Mental Health Moments

When God calls my name....

2010-04-15T09:43:00.000-07:00

When God calls my name
It really isn't the same
as when I decide my road
I put myself on overload

Yea tho' I walk throught the valley of the shadow of death...I will not fear the bats that circle nor the mice that intrude my home. For thou art with me O' God and the dark will not trouble me...so long as I put my trust in you..... My paraphrase of Psalms 23 as it applies to me right now!

Fear runs to and fro' within my heart as I contemplate the road that has been set before me. To return to my old home and take up responsibilities I had thought to be long past. A time in my life when fear rocked my very world and the role of caretaker was mine. Memories of sitting on the floor calling out my Mothers name, trying to get her to give me some sign that she was still here.

My Mother is a brittle diabetic. She survived pancreatic cancer nearly sixteen years ago and it has left her without most of her insides and a severe diabetic. Her blood sugars rise and fall at their own whim and we are at their mercy.

My parents sold their home as it had become too much to take care of. In their aging years a farm has many chores, mouths to feed and a house falling down around us. I remember all too well lying awake at night listening for any break in her uneven breathing. Waiting to hear her crash to the floor at any moment while the other ear listened to the bats outside my window and wondering if they might, once again, find their way into our home.

The rodents that found their way into our home on a regular basis were the least of my worries. The inevitable noise would wake me and my role of care-taker changed to that of frantic paramedic with little or no training. Trying to revive my Mother as she lay, once again, motionless wherever she had lost consciousness. Minutes drag by as my attempts to bring her blood sugar back up to normal levels and to regain her conscious mind. Never knowing if this is to be her last breath and I am the one to witness it.

Waiting desperately for the sounds of sirens piercing the night and for the welcome face of Mary or Rita to take this role from me once again. Going back home brings with it much peace and joy. Yet at the same time the quickened beat of my heart reminds me that I am the chosen one to care for my ailing parents.

While my siblings help in any way they can, I know that the role rests on me. To give my parents the peace and joy of spending their last days on this earth in the home they love is the least I can do for them. God never hands us a task that cannot be handled. We must simply remember that this task can ONLY be handled when I say "God, I can't do this alone".

God does not expect me to walk this path alone. He has provided friends and a support system to take care of me while I take care of my parents. My family, my friends and best of all, God is here. It is in that time that He carries me. There are only one set of footsteps in my sand right now, and those are the footsteps of God carrying me, and carrying my parents. I am not alone. I know this. And I thank God for that!

(c)copryight 2010 danni

Whats all that easter stuff about..

2010-04-15T09:42:00.000-07:00

As the days of preparation wind to a close
What God has planned no one really knows

And the dressed Him up in purple and after weaving a crown of thorns, they put it on Him. And they began to proclaim Him, "Hail, King of the Jews"!
Mark 15:16-17

The days of frantic preparation are about over and the story of Jesus death on the cross about to unfold before this audience called our small town. Easter eggs are popping up all around us and the Easter bunny has proclaimed his place on the shelves of our stores.

How many will rejoice in the eggs and chocolate and miss the death of Jesus. How many will hunt for easter eggs only to miss out on the true meaning of this holiday? May we not miss the story, that is so important before us. The fun of egg hunts and seeking out chocolate or other goodies within a plastic egg can be fun and entertaining for an afternoon. Yet, may the beauty of the resurrection of Jesus Christ be the memory that stays with us when the candy is goone, and the fake grass fades and the real blades turn to green beneath our feet.

As the story unfolds before us of the arrest, crucifixion and ultimate glory that this story brings. May we remember the easter bunny for a moment and remember that Jesus died on a cross to save you and I from our sins, and that He rose again! As no other God or figure head has ever done in history. May this be the story that stays with us throughout the years and makes all of this hustle and bustle worthwhile.

We are His Passion! May we never forget that this story came about because He loved us and wanted us with HIM!

(c)copright 2010 danni

I am a Martha...

2010-04-15T09:39:00.000-07:00

I am a Martha ...
and I need to be a Mary

But Martha was distracted with all her preparations; and she came up {to Him} and said, "Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to do all the serving alone? Then tell her to help me." But the Lord answered and said to her, "Martha, Martha, you are worried and bothered about so many things; Luke 10:40-41

Now that Passion Play is over and I have a bit more time on my hands I have a whole list of things I want to do. My house is a wreck and it's going to make me crazy until I get it in order again. I want to get some writing done and I want t get my brushes out and paint! But, I can't! I guess I am going to be forced to slow down a bit and quit rushing around so much.

I think I get busy, get ahead of myself and my feet go out from under me. Literally! Yup, I fell again. It makes me so upset when I fall but it forces me to back up, slow down and focus on what is most important. It's not my to-do list or things I need to do or places I need to go. It's sitting here quietly, spending time with God and really reflecting on Him. I can get so caught up in what I need to do.....that I forget what I need to do!

I have taken this afternoon and simply stayed quiet. Praying some, sleeping allot and reflecting on the week that has just passed. It is not about how good the costumes looked or how many lines were remembered on cue. It's about how many people were touched by Jesus and gave thier hearts to HIM! I am a Martha, God made me the way I am. Bossy, controlling, and completely anal about housework, details and making sure things get done in a timely manner. But, part of me is also a Mary. Trying to remember that sitting at the feet of Jesus needs to be done, even if I haven't fallen and sprained my knee in the process. Reminding myself that Martha and Mary both have their place in this world, and it's all about finding that balance between them!

(c)copyright 2010 danni andrew

God will answer your prayers...

2010-04-15T09:37:00.000-07:00

God will answer your prayers,
beyond your wildest dreams,
and in a way you never thought possible!

Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalms 37:4

As a writer I tend to exercise my wild imagination pretty frequently. I could write novels, I just choose to write non-fiction. My idea of the best thing God could possibly do for me is kind of like shopping at a dollar store when God has far bigger plans.

I look around my small world and imagine what could be if God just saw things my way. God looks around His great big world and see's things the way they really are! God's way of seeing things is on a far grander scale than anything I could imagine. It's kind of like shopping for a car and buying a Yugo when God would have given you a Camaro if you just let Him do the looking for you. When you look at life through God's glasses the possibilities are infinite. What He wants for you is so much better than anything you could possibly come up with on your own, that to actually look around and try to make a decision is simply .... crazy!

Without letting God have His input that is. Any decision made without God is a decision that should not be made. When I seek His face and really try to listen to what God has to say, I mean really listen! That is when things work out and my life run's so much smoother. Your life can be small and insignificant or it can be beyond your wildest dreams, and in a way you never thought possible!

What God has planned for you is simply amazing. Don't settle! See what God has planned for you and it will blow your mind!

(c)copyright 2010 danni

If it does't come from God...

2010-04-15T09:36:00.000-07:00

If it doesn't come from God throw it out!
That is what making decisions is about

Your ears will hear a word behind you, "This is the way, walk in it," whenever you turn to the right or to the left. Isaiah 30:21

I have a friend who has come back into my life recently. She manages to send me an email once in awhile and that email is invariably what I need to hear at the time. My struggle to make sense of what God has set before me has brought me many questions.

What should I do next? What should I think of that? Where should I go from here? The only answer I have really come up with is ... "If it doesn't come from God, throw it out"! I know what God has laid before me as far as what I should be doing with my life. That is very clear. My writing, painting and my work with Passion Play are truly from God. The rest of it will get worked out and God will let me know when it is time for me to know. These are called details! Leave the details to God.

My life is on a course and it is up to me to listen to what God has to say. To turn left when he says to turn left and to turn right when he says to turn right. And most of all, to stay on the course no matter what! When it's God's course the destination is always going to be an awesome one. There is an old saying that Life is a journey, not a destination. That is true with God to. If you hurry up and try to find out how the ending is, you will miss the beauty along the way.

So, slow down, look around you and really see what God is doing. If you don't, you will miss the best part! We know where the journey will end. Getting there is half the fun.

(c)copyright 2010 danni

When God doesn't make sense...

2010-04-15T09:34:00.000-07:00

When God doesn't make sense
I need to get off the fence

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Just when I think I have God figured out He changes things on me. I think I know what he is going to do... And boom, he does something else? I sit here and shake my head and wonder what is God up to today? I really don't kow! But, I do know one thing. God stays steady even when I can't make up my mind. I think I want one thing, then something happens and I think, "well maybe I really didn't want that after all"!

In reality, God didn't change his mind, I changed mine. When I focus on what God has planned for me and quit trying to put my two cents worth in, is when things really begin to work out. God knows all along what he wants to do and it really has very little to do with my thoughts. It's not that God doesn't care what I think. He does. But he has such a better plan than mine that I really can't try to even make plans because if I really listen to God and focus on His best for my life, then my plans are not the point anyway.

Go with the flow. God's flow! Only God knows what is best and I am his servant anyway. And that is really where I want to be!

(c)copyright 2010 danni

Tossed by the wind...

2010-04-15T09:32:00.000-07:00

It is as though it were tossed to the wind...
Never to show it's ugly face again

Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much. James 5:16

Have you ever regretted something you have done? Have you ever wished you could take back a word you said or a love lost? Sometimes you can and sometimes you just can't! But, any time, you can ask God to forgive you. He is right there, ready and willing to forgive you. I have one such friend. It was someone I loved very much and I hurt that friend, I know I did. That was close to thirty years ago. I don't know where this person is and my contact with him has been broken. I can't call him up and say, "Hey, I am so sorry, please forgive me"!

And even if I could my friend may not want to forgive me. And that decision is between he and God. But, I can get on my knee's and put my own regrets before God. I can ask forgiveness. This is not something to be taken lightly. God knows my heart, He knows that if I could do it over again I would. I would do things different.

True forgiveness comes from your own heart. If you are truly sorry for something you have done, go ask God to forgive you. Place that hurt at the foot of the cross and let it go. That doesn't mean it's like it never happened. It means you have been forgiven. We learn from our mistakes and try our best not to make them again.

So to my friend, somewhere out there on the roads of life. I am truly sorry I hurt you. I pray that God heals your heart and if you are still angry at me, well, that's ok. I really don't blame you. I know God has forgiven me. And if it's any consulation. I learned from it!

(c)copyright 2010 danni

You never know...

2010-04-15T09:29:00.000-07:00

You never know what God is going to do
You just know that He is thinking of you
It's in the morning sunrise that starts the day
It's in the Bible and every word I pray

God is thinking of me and holding my hand
My life is best when it's at His command
To sit back and watch what He's doing today
Blows my mind I really have to say

God has a plan and I don't know what it may be
I just know that I really can't wait to see
What He comes up with next will be a blast
And that is all I can really hope to ask

(c)copyright 2010 danni

I woke up afraid

2010-04-15T09:28:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up afraid
It was God who came to my aid
This morning I woke up sad
God touched me and made me glad

This morning I woke up in a bad mood
God's love has made me feel good
God picks me up when I am down
He chases away my frown

When you get up on the wrong side
Remember God's love is where you hide
When life puts you in a sad place
Happiness is found in God's face

(c)copyright danni

sometimes I do...

2010-04-15T09:26:00.000-07:00

I Just wanted to let you know!

I don't always know what is best...but sometimes I do
I don't always do what is right...but sometimes I do
I don't always say the right words...but sometimes I do

I don't always listen when I should...but I try to
I don't always hear what is said...but I try to
Sometimes I get busy...but I'll always love you

Sometimes I try too hard...but it's because I love you
Sometimes I don't try enough...but it's not because I don't love you
When I listen I don't always hear...but I'll always love you

I don't always say the words...but I will always love you
I will always love you and sometimes I tell you
I will always need you and sometimes I let you know
I will always love you...I just wanted to let you know

(c)copyright 2010 danni

2010-04-15T09:25:00.000-07:00

2010-04-13T09:37:00.000-07:00

When God calls my name
It really isn't the same
as when I decide my road
I put myself on overload

Yea tho' I walk throught the valley of the shadow of death...I will not fear the bats that circle nor the mice that intrude my home. For thou art with me O' God and the dark will not trouble me...so long as I put my trust in you..... My paraphrase of Psalms 23 as it applies to me right now!

Fear runs to and fro' within my heart as I contemplate the road that has been set before me. To return to my old home and take up responsibilities I had thought to be long past. A time in my life when fear rocked my very world and the role of caretaker was mine. Memories of sitting on the floor calling out my Mothers name, trying to get her to give me some sign that she was still here.

My Mother is a brittle diabetic. She survived pancreatic cancer nearly sixteen years ago and it has left her without most of her insides and a severe diabetic. Her blood sugars rise and fall at their own whim and we are at their mercy. My parents sold their home as it had become too much to take care of.

In their aging years a farm has many chores, mouths to feed and a house falling down around us. I remember all too well lying awake at night listening for any break in her uneven breathing. Waiting to hear her crash to the floor at any moment while the other ear listened to the bats outside my window and wondering if they might, once again, find their way into our home. The rodents that found their way into our home on a regular basis were the least of my worries.

The inevitable noise would wake me and my role of care-taker changed to that of frantic paramedic with little or no training. Trying to revive my Mother as she lay, once again, motionless wherever she had lost consciousness. Minutes drag by as my attempts to bring her blood sugar back up to normal levels and to regain her conscious mind. Never knowing if this is to be her last breath and I am the one to witness it. Waiting desperately for the sounds of sirens piercing the night and for the welcome face of Mary or Rita to take this role from me once again.

Going back home brings with it much peace and joy. Yet at the same time the quickened beat of my heart reminds me that I am the chosen one to care for my ailing parents. While my siblings help in any way they can, I know that the role rests on me. To give my parents the peace and joy of spending their last days on this earth in the home they love is the least I can do for them.

God never hands us a task that cannot be handled. We must simply remember that this task can ONLY be handled when I say "God, I can't do this alone". God does not expect me to walk this path alone. He has provided friends and a support system to take care of me while I take care of my parents. My family, my friends and best of all, God is here.

It is in that time that He carries me. There are only one set of footsteps in my sand right now, and those are the footsteps of God carrying me, and carrying my parents. I am not alone. I know this. And I thank God for that!

(c)copryight 2010 danni andrew

Only God will last

2010-04-13T09:35:00.000-07:00

When God speaks my name, my life will never be the same, when God designs my path, it's the only thing that will really last! (c)dj

Sticks and stones may break my bones...

2010-04-02T05:53:00.000-07:00

As the story unfolds on national news about the young girl who killed herself because of bullying from classmates, I am taken to a time very long ago when I was that girl. The girl who wanted to die because it seemed the whole world hated her! Countless comments made by thoughtless children had reduced my self-esteem to a pile of ashes and my self-worth was non-existent!

To recount every word spoken is not possible, as now, many years later the feelings are fading and well, I feel I must protect the guilty. I am certain that eyebrows are raised in wonderment over my need to protect the guilty. Yet, I feel that dragging those years into the limelight would only serve to glorify what was said by school children who could not see the whole picture and did not understand how much their words can hurt. Each of those children who tormented me as a child grew into constructive, and mostly likeable adults.

The tormenting began when I was in the first grade. I was tall for my age, with very crooked teeth, coke bottle thick glasses and stringy hair. We were poor as my Dad had been hurt in a chain-saw accident in 1963 leaving him with a bent and broken hand that no longer allowed him to work like he was used to. My Mom worked two jobs to support our family and was tired most of the time that she WAS home.

Children see things at face value, they rarely think how their careless words might affect another and they say things that seem childish and hurtful. Simply because they ARE childish and hurtful!

I endured seven years of torment at the hands of children who did not know better! To chastise them now and paste their actions all over the internet would serve no purpose and the names of those children will forever grace the pages of my therapists diaries and no other pages will bear their names.

Yet the pain inflicted by these children only served as a daily reminder in my adult life as gospel truth spoken by someone who must have known what they were talking about. I took those words and made them so much a part of my life that I believed every single word of them. When I looked in the mirror I saw ugliness because I had been told over and over how ugly I was. I could not see the pretty face that God had really given me. I could only see the hurt.

Years have passed and the taunts of school-children formed my very identity. Those words affected every area of my life. Every man I dated, proved that they were wrong. The words went through my head even though I probably didn't even like that guy!

Finding old friends on Facebook has brought many of those school-children back into my life. Although the two ring leaders have never surfaced on Facebook, most of the other school-children did! Thirty five years later I sit and look at the pictures and the names smiling back at me. Telling me of lives lived, children born and how they have aged.

It was one such evening that I had a chance to speak to one of my former classmates. A boy who joined in the tormenting from time to time, even though he was not worst. Inside my heart burned and I wanted to scream at him. To tell him how much they had hurt me! How much my life had been affected by the words so carelessly spoken. The words of mean boys and girls are just words. It dawned on me that this man smiling back at me with his gray hair, had no clue that he had anything to do with the many hours of therapy I had gone through. He had no clue that my life had been so affected by the words spoken by careless children.

The realization that I was the only one keeping this story alive blew the wind right out of my anger. It was no longer about THEM, it was about me! The anger, the hate and all those years of hurt came tumbling down. I was the only one keeping this story alive. And it really needed to be put to it's final resting place.

The anger is gone now and I no longer hold a grudge against those smiling faces. My life is what I make it, and in some odd way I might almost be thankful. My life is what it is, and I would not be who I am today without EVERY piece of my life fitting together in a puzzle. It is not to say that I condone such behaviour. I do not, and I do not recommend that anyone read these words and think they are growing character by bullying another child!

Those puzzle pieces may not be what God wants for us to go through, but He is so merciful that if we let Him, He will heal those hurts. He took the pain and showed me that I had hurt myself far more, by letting it get to me for so many years, than the actual words that were said.
Recently I have made contact with another boy from my old life and this story has a very different ring to it. He was the boy I watched walk by every time I saw him. He was my first crush. I thought he was the cutest boy I had ever seen! Now he is a grown man and now, we are friends. I have heard his perspective of how things were back then and how he saw me. He did not see an ugly duckling as I called myself, no, he thought I WAS one of the pretty girls!

This part of my life has come full circle. God has placed those in my path to teach me that my thoughts were skewed. God has shown me how HE see's me. To God, I am one of the pretty girls and the words spoken by thoughtless, school-children hurt God too. Because they hurt me. God thought it necessary to teach me that He did not see me this way. I am not an ugly duckling and the words said to me were not true. Through God's intervention I am healed from that pain.

It is not to say that I won't remember it, and I won't draw on tha experience if I need to. But, most likely it will be to say to some pretty little child that the words others are saying to them are hurtful.....but....they are not true! God does not see you as the child the school kids say you are. God see's you as HIS beautiful creation! Words can never be taken back, but it is up to you to take the knife out of your side and quit digging it deeper. You are the only one needs to let the healing begin.

(c)copyright 2010 danni

Eloi, Eloi, Lama, Sabachtani; My God, My God, Why hast thou forsaken me!

2010-03-28T06:18:00.000-07:00

As the days of preparation wind to a close
What God has planned no one really knows

And the dressed Him up in purple and after weaving a crown of thorns, they put it on Him. And they began to proclaim Him, "Hail, King of the Jews"! Mark 15:16-17

The days of frantic preparation are about over and the story of Jesus death on the cross about to unfold before this audience called our small town. Easter eggs are popping up all around us and the Easter bunny has proclaimed his place on the shelves of our stores.

How many will rejoice in the eggs and chocolate and miss the death of Jesus. How many will hunt for easter eggs only to miss out on the true meaning of this holiday? May we not miss the story, that is so important before us. The fun of egg hunts and seeking out chocolate or other goodies within a plastic egg can be fun and entertaining for an afternoon. Yet, may the beauty of the resurrection of Jesus Christ be the memory that stays with us when the candy is goone, and the fake grass fades and the real blades turn to green beneath our feet.

As the story unfolds before us of the arrest, crucifixion and ultimate glory that this story brings. May we remember the easter bunny for a moment and remember that Jesus died on a cross to save you and I from our sins, and that He rose again! As no other God or figure head has ever done in history. May this be the story that stays with us throughout the years and makes all of this hustle and bustle worthwhile.

We are His Passion! May we never forget that this story came about because He loved us and wanted us with HIM!

(c)copright 2010 danni

2010-03-09T07:18:00.000-08:00

When I get stressed and things run together I just need to remember His promises.

O afflicted one, storm tossed, and not comforted. Behold, I will set your stones in antimony, And your foundations I will lay in saphires. Moreover I will make your battlements of rubies, And your gates of Crystal, And your entire wall of precious stones. And all your sons will be taught of the Lord, And the well-being of your sons will be great. Isaiah 54:11-13

Sometimes I forget what God has promised me. He has promised to answer my prayers beyond my wildest dreams and in a way I never thought possible. That reminds me that God has not forgotten me even though I have a tendency to try to get ahead of things. You would think I would learn that lesson soon!

But yah, I may have done it again! I am on such an overload right now that things have a tendency to get ahead of me, forgotten or out of context. No matter how much I try to manage things I have to keep reminding myself that God has a far better plan. That plan is better because it is God's plan. That is all it needs to be a better plan. My plans don't mean much until I let God be God! So I take a deep breath, inhale...exhale!

Step back, look around and slowly start moving forward again. When God says to turn to the right I turn to the right, when God says to turn to the left I turn to the left. When God says to back up and slow down. I need to back up and slow down. God's plan is the best. No matter how good I think my plans are, unless I let God lead they are nothing! Pray! Inhale. Exhale.

Put one foot in front of the other and what God has promised will come to pass!

(c)copyright 2010 danni

Forgiveness

2010-03-09T07:16:00.000-08:00

It is as though it were tossed to the wind...
Never to show it's ugly face again
Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much. James 5:16

Have you ever regretted something you have done? Have you ever wished you could take back a word you said or a love lost? Sometimes you can and sometimes you just can't! But, any time, you can ask God to forgive you. He is right there, ready and willing to forgive you.

I have one such friend. It was someone I loved very much and I hurt that friend, I know I did. That was close to thirty years ago. I don't know where this person is and my contact with him has been broken. I can't call him up and say, "Hey, I am so sorry, please forgive me"! And even if I could my friend may not want to forgive me. And that decision is between he and God. But, I can get on my knee's and put my own regrets before God. I can ask forgiveness. This is not something to be taken lightly. God knows my heart, He knows that if I could do it over again I would. I would do things different.

True forgiveness comes from your own heart. If you are truly sorry for something you have done, go ask God to forgive you. Place that hurt at the foot of the cross and let it go. That doesn't mean it's like it never happened. It means you have been forgiven.

We learn from our mistakes and try our best not to make them again. So to my friend, somewhere out there on the roads of life. I am truly sorry I hurt you. I pray that God heals your heart and if you are still angry at me, well, that's ok. I really don't blame you. I know God has forgiven me. And if it's any consulation. I learned from it!

(c)copyright 2010 danni

When I finally stop struggling

2010-03-05T06:59:00.001-08:00

When I finally stop struggling and let God be God!

It will come to pass that before they call, I will answer, and while they are speaking, I will hear. Isaiah 65:24

One of the things that drives me crazy the most is trying to figure out what God is going to do next. Now, I know that is not possible and my sane mind, understands that. Yet, a part of me still tries to figure out what God's next move is going to be. Kind of like trying to play chess with the grand master when I barely remember the moves.

I can see God sitting up there on the thrown smiling ruefully and shaking his head as he watches me try to analyze a situation and try to second-guess what He is doing. He is shaking his head and thinking to himself. "Danni, when you quit struggling, I am going to show you"!

God knows I am anal and He also knows I am a planner and a fixer. He made me that way! But, that doesn't mean I have a few lessons I need to learn on being GOD's planner, fixer and anal person! And letting God ultimately be in control!

I like order in my life. I like to try to keep things where I know where everything is and I know what is best. But, sometimes I just don't know and I have to let God handle things. I have to stop grabbing it all back and trying to fix it on my own. Until that day comes when God, in all of His sovereign glory, chooses to let me in on the secret I am just going to have to sit down, shut up, work on my patience....still! And just let God be God and manage and control what He has already given me to control.

I may not like it, but it is what is best for me.

(c)copyright 2010 danni

2010-01-25T22:18:00.001-08:00

Life is very interesting sometimes and I really don't know how to take it. I am a very literal person and I don't beat around the bush well and I don't take hints very well either. I don't drop them very well either and I just simply try to say whats on my mind. If I can't just blurt it out and say it, then I don't say anything at all. I have a real dilemna right now and I don't know what to say, so I don't say anything at all. Yet at the same time, I just don't know what else to say so I say nothing. But, i am afraind life will pass me by if I don't speak up!

For the love of Susan Boyle

2009-12-13T18:42:00.000-08:00

I am sitting here in my living watching the TV Special, "I dreamed a dream", the Susan Boyle story. I am 45 years old and I have a dream. I want to be a writer and a public speaker. The older I get, the more it seems that I have waited too long.

In reality, maybe I have waited just long enough. I too have a slight disabililty. I have Bipolar Disorder and I am on disability. God has done some really cool things in my life and I owe it all to him. I am now working on a book titled "The Benefits of Bipolar". I am now on a small dose of medication and my life is going very well.

I have learned how to maximize the benefits of this illness and work through the bad parts. This is something the world needs to know. I have spent today working on my book. I was able to write over thirty pages today. My goal is to find a publisher and get this book published. It is truly never too late to realize your dreams. My dream is getting closer to a reality. I want to write and be a public speaker.

If anyone out there knows how to contact Susan Boyle, I would love to sit down and talk to her. She is truly an inspiration to me. Thanks, Danni

This is my Isaac moment!

2009-09-26T10:04:00.000-07:00

I just looked over my blogs and realized I have not written anything here in months! Wow, I didn't think it had been that long. But it has!

So what has been going on? My question is? How do you stop loving someone that is and has been a very important part of your life for years. Eight years to be exact?

We started our relationship very casual, but over the years it has become more. For me anyway. My family and friends tell me "if he hasn't popped the question yet, he isn't going to"! Which brings me to another point. I have been married and divorced three times. Frankly I am terrified of marriage, my last husband almost destroyed me. He was bossy, controlling and supposedly a good Christian man. I believe in God and I believe that God has my best interests at heart even if it doesn't seem so at the time.

God asked me to give Him my fear. Umm, you guessed it, I am afraid to do that. But I will, somehow in God's grace I will. You see, this is my "Isaac Moment"! God asked me to turn the relationship over to Him, stop doing the things that don't glorify Him and to trust Him. My Isaac moment.

If you don't know the story in the Bible about Abraham, he was a very old man and God promised him that he would have a son. Abraham and his wife Sarah were very old. Past the age of being able to bear children. Long story short Sarah became pregnant with Isaac. They named him Isaac because, Isaac means laughter. Sarah laughed when she heard that God was going to give her a son.

One day God told Abraham to take Isaac up and sacrifice him on the alter. Abraham was so scared, he didn't want to sacrifice his son. But he trusted God. (In Bible times there had to be sacrifices for sins, an atonement). Abraham took his son and put him on the alter and prepared to sacrifice him, just as he raised his weapon to sacrifice his son God told him to look in the bushes and there was an animal stuck there and God told him to sacrifice the animal and spare his son. Abraham trusted and because of his love and trust God spared Isaac.

Will God spare my relationship if I put it on the alter? Well, I've already put it on the alter, I've already told my boyfriend that the physical side of our relationship must stop. So what do we have left? I guess we will find out! My relationship has been placed on the alter.

I cry, I cry and cry over this man. I love him so much, but God promised that he would give back everything that the enemy has stolen from me. And this type of relationship is not "EVERYTHING" the enemy has stolen from me, it is part of what the enemy has stolen. So I have to give it up, even though I adore this man. Tough situation huh! We actually get along very well so in this day and age it seems a bit crazy to withdraw from a relationship like that.

I don't know what is going to happen. This man sort of believes in God, He doesn't believe much of the Bible and that makes things very difficult. One of two things will happen, either this man and I will fall completely away from each other, or this man will fall in love with God and come to know Him too. If he does not, I don't want to be with him anyway. I know God loves this man and wants him in His kingdom. God wants all of his children in His kingdom.

So what will happen next? Tune in next time for another segment of this unfolding saga. I will try to get here much more often. I need this outlet and thank you for listening to my drama.

Danni

Old people

2009-06-06T22:57:00.000-07:00

My step-dad lives in a nursing home. When you walk in you look around at all of the lost people. So many people are left there and their family rarely or never comes to visit. One lady in particular is a lonely old woman. When I stop to speak to her she just about cries. Gives me a great big hug and holds my hand....praying. She is so sweet. This place will break your heart.

If you know someone in a nursing home. Go see them, they need you now more than ever!

This is awesome!

2009-04-26T14:16:00.000-07:00

I went to church today. Second time in six months. I got up this morning and my stomach hurt and I was SO tired I just wanted to go back to sleep. But I didn't! I made myself get going, get myself cleaned up and go to church. I was sure glad I did. I have vowed to "make" myself go from now on, I know I do so much better when I do. Its good to fellowship. I need the teaching and I need the closeness of my Christian friends. I have heard the story many times about the coals in a fire and when you take one smoldering ember and put it to the side by itself it goes out. But when that coal of fire, is with the other embers the fire burns brighter and stays burning with the help of each other. I love that story.

I am doing really well. I started physical therapy on friday and can feel a huge difference in just one session. I am so excited.

I am now only on two medications. One for Bipolar and one for vertigo. I have to take something for pain since my hip is still bothering me but its ok. Medication is a tool and should be used so, not to take over my life and drag it down. I have not felt this good in years.

I really think that Bipolar Disorder has gotten a bad rap in some ways. The focus has been on the bad part of the illness and that anyone who has it has to get OVER it. Correct me if I'm wrong but I am seeing that while control is necessary and has to be done I think that I allowed the joyous, creative side of me to be stifled and that is depressing all by itself. I had gotten to the point that I was serious all the time to the point of being sick, tired and a real stick in the mud most of the time. I don't like being that way. I am who I am. God created me this way. Illness is a part of my life. One of my friends asked me if I had been healed. and I say "yes" I believe I have in so many ways. If God has chosen to take all of the illness from me it will prove itself in time. I know that the way I feel right now I have not felt better.

I am watching what I eat, taking vitamins, b6, b12, calcium/mag, and an herbal/vitamin to help with hormones since I don't have ovaries now as of surgery 2 years ago. (thanks RON for the comment about hormones)! Most of the problems that I had physically are gone.

My son and my daughter in law have a Wii and we do the fitness profiles on it. When I did the first profile it came back that I was in the physical shape of a 57 year old. That was 42 days ago. Friday night I spent the night with my daughter in law. My son has been out of town working and she was bored. P:) We redid the Wii profile of me and it came back that I had the physical shape of a 44 year old! I AM 44!! Praise God! I feel so much better. I now know what the ending of my book is going to be. I knew when I started the book that I could not write a book on dealing with lifes problems and illness's and getting better from them in the shape I was in. Something had to happen. I now know that something HAS happened, I am 1000% better and getting better daily! That is the beginning of a new life and an end to the misery. Thank God!

LUI - Living under the influence

2009-04-11T13:41:00.000-07:00

June 25, 1995 I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I was in an utter state of confusion and I simply could no longer function. My marriage was a mess. The man that I was married to was a stranger to me, I no longer knew who he was. I no longer knew who I was! I took the pills as prescribed and went on with my life. In and out of psychiatric hospitals for the next two years, my life was a mess. I continued in counseling and did what the doctors told me. Over the years I began to feel better about life. My husband was long gone and I had built a life of my own. Third time divorced I was glad to be on my own again.

One day I made a decision that would alter my life forever. What we must remember here is that no decision is the wrong one, even if it seems so at the time. Because God knows what is the right thing to do and sometimes those decisions that seem like the wrong ones are the decisions that make the biggest difference in our lives.

That decision was to move out of my comfy little apartment and live next door to my "best" friend. That decision pretty much set my life adrift, my emotional, spiritual and physical life would never be the same. Ten days later my "best" friend kicked me out. I was used to going to church all the time, walking almost a mile or two every day and being in a pretty good place spiritually, emotionally and physically. I stopped doing all of those things and that is when the health issues really began.

It started out with Trigeminal Neuralgia. They put me on one drug to see if it would help and for a long time it did. But, then it came back. Along the line my blood pressure went up a bit so they put me on something for that. Then my heart began to spasm so they put me on something for that! By the time I yelled STOP! I was on about 13 prescriptions in all and I was a mess. I could not sleep at night and I could not wake up during the day! My face hurt constantly, my blood pressure was up even higher than before! I didn't exercise, my spiritual life was dead and I was an emotional wreck.

That wasn't the worst of it! I had lost my ability to speak properly. I had vertigo and I was incontinent. I had to wear diapers to bed because if I don't I soak the bed and have to wash it every morning. I don't have a washer and dryer so I can't be washing the sheets every day. Not to mention what that does to my bed.

I have been living under the influence of prescription drugs for fourteen years. I have not been taking anything that you normally hear about as being bad. No Vicaden, codeine or anything else that is normally the bad boys of prescription drugs! No, what I have been taking is psychiatric and neurologic type drugs. And they have totally screwed me up! Today I got a zip lock bag and I threw all of my prescriptions into that bag and threw it in the back of the closet. I'm done with this mess! I don't want to do it anymore. The psychiatric medications were there while I was going through counseling and dealing with the issues that had brought me there. I'm done with that. The medications got way out of hand and I didn't even see it coming. I felt like it was the right thing to do at the time. I was such a wreck that I was incapable of getting out of the mess on my own and not strong enough spiritually to trust Gods direction or even know what it was if it was on a billboard.

I'm not saying that everyone needs to drop everything, but what I am saying is PAY ATTENTION! I'm kind of scared but a part of me is at peace now. I took my morning medication and now I have a headache. I'm not sure which one caused the headache, but I do know this. I'm done! God knows what is best all of the time. I believe that! I believed that back then, but I didn't have the strength enough to walk that belief. Not many people do! How do I learn to listen? Keep listening!

Danni

The family tree

2009-04-06T01:11:00.000-07:00

We all had dinner today at my son Mark and his wife Maggie's house. I had gone and bought the stuff for barbecue hamburgers and hotdogs. I made potato salad and Mom made a pasta salad. We got together and Mark and Maggie did the cooking basically while Mom and I stood and watched. We all ate and finished watching the bull riding. I like bull riding so that was a good thing for me.

When bull riding was over we started playing games on the Wii. We played bowling, tennis and golf. I was sitting there watching my daughter and daughter in law play bowling and I got a big lump in my throat. Here we were, all of us together, playing the Wii and laughing and joking around having a good time. My family is not known for having a good time together. I think we have all grown up enough that we can put the past behind us and let it rest where it belongs! I wanted to cry, but it was good tears not bad ones.

Family is all you've got and you and I should remember that and keep them close to your heart. I love my family and I have been trying very hard to make sure they know it. We had a huge family dissagreement a few years ago and we didn't talk for three years.

When my Dad died he and I were in a disagreement and I didn't call to smooth things over and neither did he. He died before I really knew if he heard what I was trying to say to him while he was out of it. I am glad that my kids and I got over our disagreement before it was too late.

When you have a disagreement with someone it is important to let them know how you feel, that you love them. But, when it is family it is even MORE important to say I love you and let it go. People will fight over the most stupid reasons!

Danni

its a plan, if it will only work...

2009-03-30T00:38:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I have written anything and it takes me a minute to think of what to say. Life is pretty rough right now. I am having troubles with one of my children.

I am trying to get moved out of my apartment into the one on the ground floor so I don't fall down the stairs again. Some days I just want to sit down and cry because I am at a loss as to what to do. I love my children, all of them and you can't say that I love one child more than the other because I love each one differently. Sometimes when I am trying to make a point it doesn't come out that way and I look like I am the bad guy. I don't want to be the bad guy I just can't stand it anymore and I have to say something!

My friend wants me to pray for Heather so I'm asking you to pray for Heather too.

My mouth hurts from trigeminal neuralgia and my blood pressure is 152/105! This is not good! And of course all of this hurts because of the stress that I can't seem to get away from or solve! While you are praying for Heather, pray for me too I can hardly move my mouth, I chew on my tongue and don't even realize it until it is really sore. I hurt! I want to cry because of the problems with my child and I just hate it that things are the way they are but I don't know what to do!
Take care and good night!

Danni

2009-03-05T01:27:00.000-08:00

Life just doesn't seem fair sometimes. I am sick again, and it's not just the common cold. I manage to collect things that really put a damper on things. I knew I had vertigo but I thought that it just made me dizzy once in awhile. Not all day for over 24 hours! Thats crazy. I couldn't walk, I couldn't eat! I was dizzy, sick to my stomach and because I hadn't eaten my blood sugar was taking a nose dive. I couldn't force myself to eat. I finally got scared and called my Mom and asked her to come get me and take me to the ER.

After almost 3 1/2 hours in the waiting room I was about ready to go home. But, I decided to wait it out. I'm glad I did. I figured they were going to tell me that I needed to eat and there was nothing they could do for me. But, he didn't. He looked at me and said, I think I know what is wrong with you, follow my pen with your eyes. I couldn't do it. I had been watching Cops all afternoon and I figured that was why. He told me that it was a type of vertigo and that since I couldn't follow the pen something was off in my balance part of my brain and I would need a prescription to make it ok again. I told him that I already took enough prescriptions I didn't need another one. He assured me that he had looked over my list and it would be ok. I couldn't even really watch TV unless the room was dark.

He gave me a prescription to starte me off and gave me another prescription pill for the next morning. My daughter in law took me home and I just stayed with them because it was late and also because I was afraid to be alone. We talked for a long time and then I went to bed. It took me a few minutes to get to sleep but I slept until after 11:00 this morning. I shook my head, I never sleep that long without have to go to the bathroom. Maybe that is related too.

I feel better now. I am still having a hard time eating as much as usual. Maybe that is a good thing. I also have bronchitis, so that's not fun either but I have medication for that too. Take care, Danni

2009-03-01T20:51:00.000-08:00

I am a mess today. I have been sick for about three days and have been trying to go about life as usual until monday rolls around and I can go to my regular doctor. Today I just couldn't do it. I am here on the couch kind of wishing that someone would come make me go to the ER. I can hardly breathe and my temperature hovers around 101. I try so hard not to complain or whine or be a bother to anyone. I have allot of stress in my life right now and I think that is part of my problem. I just want to find calm again.

I have moved and there are boxes everywhere. I can barely get down the hallway to the couch. I feel really frustrated and wish the house was in order, but it isn't. I am frustrated.

2009-02-26T01:18:00.000-08:00

Please understand that I am not talking trash about the medical profession. We all need them and for the most part I think I can say, that the medical profession is as helpful as they can be. But, I want to share something that happened to me. And, I want to share it for a reason. Let me explain:

I fell last November. A week later I still hurt pretty bad, so I went to the doctor. He was actually a Physicians Assistant, but the medical profession still, cannot work this way. When I went to see this guy he told me "well, it's been a week and you couldn't walk if it were broken so there is no point in xray"! I was mad but I just got up and left. He asked me if I needed pain pills and I told him no. Over the last few months the pain in my hip has gotten worse and so has the pain in my hand. It is always in the same place.

Finally in January I had about had so much pain that I asked my Neurologist to xray both my hand and hip on the right side. He did. The xrays were not exactly conclusive for a break so again I let it go. He did find that I have osteoparosis.

I fell coming out of my apartment which was on the second floor. All of my other doctors (psychiatrist and Neurologist) decided that I needed to get a ground floor apartment. (I almost have everything in my new apartment), I hurt really bad by now so I decided to go to this PA again and see if he could help me. I thought that maybe he had a bad day and I would give him a chance to clear his name. I can barely sleep at night and barely walk. I can't pick up more than a couple of pounds of weight on my hand because of the pain in my thumb where it attaches to the wrist. I went in and this guy was a total jerk to me again. He said "if it isn't broken I can't help you"! Again he offered pain pills and I said "NO, I want it fixed"!!! I can take enough of an edge off of the pain with over the counter pain pills, now that the Trigeminal Neuralgia is better. I don't need heavy duty pain killers. I take enough prescriptions as it is (10).

I also have a standing prescription for my thyroid. I had the pharmacy fax this guy for a refill. Standard procedure! He has refilled this prescription several times in the past. HE DENIED THE REQUEST!!! I have been out of thyroid meds since February 5! So now, I have an appointment with another provider on friday. I filed a report with the front office, since this is a state run clinic it can be done that way. The reason I posted this is to say one statement. DO NOT put up with this kind of crap! Find another provider but don't give up only YOU know how much it hurts!! Just because I am poor doesn't mean I have to settle for poor health care!! AND, people who live with pain come across as a pain and a hypochondriac, but we really aren't. We just want to stop hurting.

Thanks, Danni

The past! The very distant past!! Comes knocking.

2009-02-24T23:43:00.000-08:00

I call my Mom at least once every day. Generally I call her every morning and every night. She is older (76) and she is not in the best of health. I always have the fear that I am going to come home and find her either very sick and in a diabetic coma or dead. So, I call her! Every day!

One evening last week I called her to check on things and she asked me if I had gotten an interesting phone call. I said, "no, from who"? She said Paul! I just about dropped the phone. I have not talked to Paul in at least three to four years. Paul was my second boyfriend. We dated for over two years and then I got stupid and went looking for greener pastures. I thought that since he had not mentioned getting married that he was just using me for what he could get and so I left. I never told him how I felt.

You have to understand my upbringing. My Dad was distant and my Mom worked all the time. I learned about life by trial and error and leaving Paul was a very big error! I didn't know how to handle a relationship. I thought I did, but I was only about 16 years old. I should not have been in such a relationship, but I was. When it cane to confrontation I could not do it. I didn't know how. It was easier for me to leave than to tell Paul what I needed. And the good Lord knows that I didn't even really know what I needed, let alone be able to vocalize it.

And then there was another problem. He was very good looking and in a big black cowboy hat! And he did take advantage of me very badly! I was no naive!!! I thought he loved me, but things began to, you know... NOT add up! As I grew up it was clear to me what the man in the cowboy hat really wanted and slowly I backed away. He was taking advantage of me. But, it was too late. Paul was gone! I don't blame him. He wasn't a perfect man but he was good to me. I know that he really loved me, and I did love him I just didn't have my head screwed on straight.

My head is screwed on a whole lot better now than it was 27 years ago, I know that. I still love Paul. I know that. The other night, my Mom said that Paul might be moving back to the area. I hope he does. I still love him but I honestly don't think he is coming back to this area because of me. He likes this area and I am not surprised. It will be good to see him, but I don't hink I am on his list of people that he can't wait to see. It is sad isn't it! It is too bad that my life was such a mess that I couldn't talk to him, I simply ran away. I don't run from my problems anymore. I try my best to face them and be honest about how I feel. I wish the best for Paul because he deserves it. I wish the best for me because I deserve it too. What I did was wrong, goodness knows I've paid for what I did. It's time to look at the future, whatever that may be!

Danni

Stinkin' thinkin'

2009-02-23T23:44:00.000-08:00

I am almost moved. My landlady told me that I was trying to get this done too fast and make myself sick again. So, I quit! I got on my couch, grabbed my remote and watched TV for three days. Sleeping when I could and just resting. I have many friends and they have been very good helping me. I am truly blessed. They have come and moved furniture, boxes and helped me to clean the place up. Well almost cleaned up.

I know that I have sat here in my little apartment feeling sorry for myself and wondering if anybody really cared about me. That's what we call 'stinkin thinkin'! That was before I had to move! I have thought about all of the bad things I have done in my life and all of the people I have hurt and it is hard to bear. I have spent too much time feeling bad about things that I have done. I believe that I should feel remorse, that is helpful and a good thing. But, if I sit in the mud and the muck of feeling bad and feeling sorry for myself I will cause myself some problems, some serious problems. I'm sorry for the people that I hurt in my life and I intend to do better.

Stinkin' thinkin' will drag you down. If all you do is put yourself down and tell yourself what kind of a rotten person you are, well then, you are not doing yourself or anyone else any good. Genuine remorse and a positive step to do better in your life makes all the difference.

Danni

2009-02-13T18:49:00.000-08:00

I am about 80% finished with moving my apartment into a new apartment. Now you would think that since these apartments are the exact same layout and square footage, they are only on separate stories. I do not need to be on a second story since I have vertigo. Umm, I fell off the bottom two stairs and kind of hurt myself. Anyway, I digress! You would think that since I moved everything OUT of the exact same apartment I am moving INTO, that I would be able to put it away easily. WRONG! I have no idea where all of this stuff is going to go! I have collected some junk after all, but hey, it will all work out. One thing that I have learned is that things will indeed eventually work out. No matter how hard I try it will eventually work out.

Everything is a mess right now boxes stacked everywhere, nothing on the walls and NO CABLE! Well, not until tuesday anyway. My life doesn't have to be in perfect order to be ok. It seems like it, but in reality its ok. Do you remember the cartoon of the kid walking down the hall and things keep falling off behind him? Or was that a movie? Anyway, I am in the eye of the storm but it will be ok! Don't worry, be happy!

Why I love my daughter

2009-02-05T22:24:00.000-08:00

My daughter and I got into an argument today. If you are a parent you know that is true without even asking why? The why is not the point at all of this it is only that it happened. My daughter was upset with me and she told me that she could definitely tell me many things that I had done wrong as a parent. Well to tell you the truth I could tell you many things SHE has done as a parent too. But, I see very little point in that. And as far as her being able to tell me many things that I have done wrong as a parent, yes, I am sure she can. I can probably tell you more because I remember them better than she does. And as far as the mistakes go that she has made as a parent, well the time will come when she remembers them better too, there is no reason for me to drag them out!

Why do people find it necessary to comment about things we have done in the past. Why do they find it necessary to remind you of the things you have done in the past and then get mad because you write a book that tells everyone else what they were? They are called tell all books! I can remember what I want and I can tell what I want because it's my story. When my daughter gets old enough to write a tell all book I have no doubt that she will have many good stories to tell about life living with me. And she can do that because by then, its HER story! Isn't it amazing how people have advice on having children. The more advice they have the 'less' children they have!

When my daughter told me that she could tell me some 'stories' about how life was when she lived at my home. I said "yeah, I'm sure you do"! The title of this blog is "why I love my daughter". I love my daughter because she IS my daughter. That is all there is to it. I love her no matter what she does. I still love her. Whether I get involved in what she does or not is up to me. But, I still love her. I could tell you many things about my daughter, that she is smart, beautiful, a good mother (and she is) and many others. And we won't get into the other side of that coin. The reason your eyes are put on the front of your face is to keep you looking forward. If you were supposed to look back, you really would have a set of eyes back there.

Danni

Winning is all how you look at it! Go 13

2009-02-02T00:22:00.000-08:00

I am a huge fan of football and today I watched, literally on the edge of my seat as the Arizona Cardinalas played Pittsburg. I am sure that Pittsburg was the odds on favorite but not for me. No, my favorite is Kurt Warner. I watched as the season progressed and I watched how he spoke after the game. It was the NFC championship game that Kurt gave all of his praise to the Lord for who he was and how far he had come as a quarterback. That sealed it in my heart for who my favorite football star really was.

I have been an Oakland Raiders fan for nearly 25 years. And I still hold a place in my heart for the black and silver. But, Oakland hasn't done much in the last few years and tho I continue to be a loyal fan there is something about Kurt Warner that means I like his style and his way of giving the grace to God that makes me want to buy a t'shirt and show off the number 13. Knowing what kind of man he is.

I know that Kurt was upset after the loss to Pitsburg. I was to! But think about this Kurt. You brought a team out of oblivion. You brought them from the sidelines to the headlines. No, he didn't do it alone, number 11 helped out a lot and so did every man on that team from the coaches to the waterboy. It's kind of like the Kingdom of God. Each of us plays a huge part in the battle that we fight. Each of us plays a part. Some are seen more than others, but that doesn't make them more important. No, that just makes them on the front page more.

So Kurt this is my word to you. Keep up the fight. I expect that you will continue in the fight whether it be on the football field or on the battle field for the Lords Kingdom. You are truly an original and God sees what you have done. You have been selected to stand up and stand out. You are special! You will probably never read this, but thats ok. God has! This is for the man who wears the number 13!

Good Listeners!!!

2009-01-25T19:53:00.000-08:00

I've always prided myself on being a good listener. And, I think it is a good thing to be a good listener. I've always heard it said that you have a hard time learning if you are not listening! And, learning is a good thing! Now I don't want to sound like I am complaining because I'm really not. I think I can count allot of friends as mine. Both ways. They are my friends and I am there's. But, I was driving home tonight after dropping off my son. Mind you, I am never in a good mood when I have to take my son back to his father. But, here I am driving home after taking him back to his father and I just found myself being really bummed out. Border line on being depressed. All I wanted was to pick up the phone and call someone who I could talk to. But, I couldn't think of anyone.

It isn't often that I get to that point. After all I have this really great therapist and if I need to talk I can call her. But, I don't call her at 6:15 on a sunday evening. She is not in her office. I came home, fixed myself something to eat and turned on food network. Nothing like food to make you feel better right? Well, it's not that bad I made a waffle and I watched a food challenge. It wasn't like I was pigging out on brownies or something. I don't do that, I rarely like to eat brownies.

But, my whole point here is that I needed someone to talk to and I couldn't think of anyone. It's not that someone wasn't out there it's just that at the time I couldn't think of anyone. So, I came home and dealt with it myself!! That is probably the better way to handle things anyway. I am sure most people would probably not listen to a depressed, hungry person complain in their ear. Not even for half an hour! I am better now and I think I am going to go work on that book for awhile. That is probably a better way to handle things too. You know one more thing! I can bet that I could have called any one of several of my friends and they would have taken the time to listen. I know they would have! Have a great one.

Danni

and baby makes two...

2009-01-22T20:49:00.000-08:00

I'm grandkid sitting tonight. My granddaughter lives and goes to school in the same town/school district that I live in. She gets off the bus literally on my door step. She has been in my house for years, since she was about seven months old. She knows the routine in my house and where everthing is. She knows that I keep popsicles in the freezer. All she has to do is ask for one and she can go get it herself. The only thing is she forgets to wipe the scissors off and they get sticky and I have to wash them.

That is what being at home is all about. It's about being comfortable in your space, knowing where things are and knowing what the rules are. She has been a big help to me since I got sick. She is only six years old, but she is smart. She'll tell me, "go ahead and take a nap Memaw". So I will lay down on the couch and watch tv with her. I might fall asleep for awhile and I might not. I know her programs, the ones she likes to watch. When any of the grandkids are here they get to watch whatever they want on tv and I usually watch it with them. I like their shows. It's important to know what the kids are watching on tv and know that its not something crazy.

It is sad that I have a hard time with the smaller grandkids. It will get better as time goes by and I should be able to have them here at the house more. I hate it that I have health problems. I wish I could be normal like the other my siblings. Well, I can't claim they are all normal LOL, but you know what I mean! I am starting to feel better and the baby is getting older. My stamina is getting stronger every day. Just ask my physical therapist. He agrees! I don't think I'll ever be able to live life like many people I know and like my brother and sister. Working an eight hour day just isn't in the cards for me. I have to work in 3-4 hours at a time. Then I have to rest. I don't know why I am like that, but I am. I think it is a combination of the Bipolar Disorder, the trigeminal neuralgia and a few ofther small problems that I have. I was always the sickly kid growing up!

I hate talking about then, I just want to feel better. Today I am tired and my hands are shocking and have a tremor to them. But, I am going to try to write for awhile anyway. That's what you have to do when life gets rough, you just keep pushing at it. Sooner or later you will get where you are going. And remember this! SMILE!

Danni

2009-01-19T23:45:00.000-08:00

What a crazy weekend it has been. I have not gotten much done as there have been so many family activities going on. But, last night I am proud to say that I finally got my book started. My intention is to spend some time every night working on it. I have asked some friends for feedback, which they have so kindly agreed. What is the book about you say? Well, some people think my life is a little bit interesting. I think those people need a life too! Probably its just because I have lived through Bipolar Disorder and come out doing much better on the other side. Then of course there is Trigeminal Neuralgia, and a couple other nasty illness's that I don't want to mention here. Why do I have to have all the fun? It could be that God has blessed me with the gift of gab and the ability to type 70 words a minute. And it could be that I really want to take all of that knowledge, put it on paper and share it with the world. I know what it is like to be scared and feel like you are all alone. I want others to know that they are not alone, they don't have to be alone.

Writing this book brings back so many memories. Things that I had not thought about in a very long time. I was thinking about when I went to treatment. My kids were really small and I had no idea how I was going to get through it, but we did. I had so much anger and I had no idea that I did. I internalize anger and I think that is why I got so sick last fall is because I internalize my anger to the point that it comes out somewhere else. I have a friend that frequently spouts anger off and everybody knows he's angry! But, I don't think it's any better for him than for me. I think he is still so angry at his ex that he takes it out on whoever is handy. But, what do I know about it!

Ahh yes, about the book. This is going to be a good thing. I'm not going to be able to write this one in four days like I did the last one. No, this one is going to be done right and I am going to find a real publisher, with a real Literary Agent. This is what MY dreams are made of! If I slack off on writing it, you have my persmission to ask me why! Danni

I care!

2009-01-17T16:10:00.001-08:00

So what happens when someone you care about gets into trouble? What do you do when all you can do is stand back and hurt for them. It's like trying to hold onto sand with water pouring through it! Your heart aches, you cry a little bit, no, you cry allot! I know what its like, I've been there. I've made some of those mistakes to!

You can't stop it. All you can do is stand back, watch, and be there if just maybe you can help a little bit. It's ok to hurt. It's ok to be angry, even if you are not even sure who to be angry at!!!

I don't know what to do. I do know that I missed a phone call! I was sleeping and never heard it. I want to stop it, to take it all back! But, I can't. God help me to know what to do and when to do it! God help me to love no matter what! God help me! And God help them!

Danni

So what is really wrong!!

2009-01-16T11:56:00.000-08:00

Well, thankfully there is nothing physically wrong with me. The doctor called and there are no spots or lesions on my bones. THANK GOD! So, where do I go from here? I've read stories of people who were in walkers or on a cane and they had let their bodies go and let stress get the better of them. I think I am there. I have a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder and a disagnosis of Trigeminal Neuralgia too. I am on about ten different medications! And, I have balance problemes, I'm tired all the time and I am stressed out. Not to mention a couple of health problems that I don't want to even talk about here!

So, what do I do? I think physical therapy is going to be the best thing for me. I was going to train to walk a 5k once. Then things went to hell and I didn't do it. I think that when I quit walking two miles a day is when I slowly started coming apart. Here I am being tested for MS. So far they have not found lesions that are related to MS, only symptoms that could be related to MS. I don't want MS! I don't want to be sick, I am sick and tired of being sick!

So what do I do now? The doctors don't find telltale signs of MS, that is an awesome thing! They also did not find any signs of dark spots or any lesions on my bones either. I am so glad to hear that! I don't want MS and I don't want bone cancer either! So, what is wrong with me? Am I faking it? No, the symptoms are very real. The problems are very real! So, what do I do about it? I think that forcing myself to get up and exercise again and WALK again! I think that I can get my blood pressure down again, maybe I can get off the blood pressure meds! Maybe if I can do that I can get off the heart medication! Then if I can get off of some of those meds just by getting some good exercise then my stress level will also come down?

So, what about my voice? What about Bipolar Disorder? What about my balance? Speach therapy can do me allot of good. I don't know what the diagnosis is on my voice, we will get to that. I will never go off of the bipolar medication I am not going to try. That is not the problem. And, my physical therapist is going to be my best friend for awhile! This is the only way I am going to get my life back.

My writing is also going to be my savior. On top of all of that! God is awesome and I know that He is REALLY my only savior! It's time to get up, get some exercise, focus on my health and WRITE! Danni

rose colored glasses

2009-01-16T01:49:00.000-08:00

So you think you know how things are? Then one day a conversation just puts you over the edge!! You learn that he has no respect for you or your opinions. You thought he did, after all he calls you all the time right? But, then, well maybe! I'm afraid to say it! I think I've been used!

My work is very important to me. I've let it go for a long time and its time that stopped! It's so much a part of me. I tried to walk away but I can't.

I was with this man for almost nine years. We were never serious, but when you spend that much time with someone, well you begin to get attached, even though you were not supposed to! I thought that he supported what I do. So what is it really that I do. I write, and I post what I write on the internet. Through blogs and my website.

I should have seen it coming. I think in the back of my head I did see it coming. But, I didn't want to. I just rebuilt my website, so I asked him if he had looked at my website and he said no. I asked him why. He said that it appeared that I was trying to take the place of the doctors. No, that's not true, that is way far from true. I share my experience, strength and hope with others like me who are trying to learn a better way with this illness. It is called self help.

OK, now what is the positive thing here. What have I learned? I learned the truth and I won't be hanging out with this guy anymore and I learned it before I turned 45!! Now, thats important and positive right! Hey, it's nine months before I turn 45 so I learned it while I still had allot of 44 left in me!!! Men are jerks! Well, not all of them. Just the ones that are jerks! Don't throw things at me! Have a great life. Danni

What do you do????

2009-01-14T00:05:00.000-08:00

So, what do you do when the doctor calls you and says. "You need to have this test done, the hospital wanted to wait until the 22nd, but I convinced them that it needed to be done right away!" It kind of freaked me out! Instead of the 22nd, I did a bone scan at 11:00 am this morning.

So what are they looking for? He told me that I have osteoporosis. OK, I told him, "doc, I'm only 44 years old, that can't be!" But, when you take the kinds of medications that I take, I guess that things can happen. So, they did this test. The doctor also had told me that he had found a couple of dark spots on/in my bones. Oh great, what does that mean. It means that they suspect something and they are going looking for it. It means they pulled out the big guns! So, I went home and googled it. What else do you do these days? You don't ask questions anymore, you type your question in to google, and wahlah! You get an answer. I don't like the answer.

Of course I won't know until the doc looks things over and calls me. I won't even try to speculate, even though I have my suspicions why they did this expensive test. When I googled "dark spots bone xrays"! It came up with one basic reason for dark spots and the same reason for doing a bone xray. That reason is cancer of or in the bone. I think I am praying for Multiple sclerosis right now. I might prefer that diagnosis.

I don't know what to think and I don't know what to say. I am 44 years old. I have small grandchildren and a child who just entered high school. I have a family!!! I am not ready for this!

Did I ever tell you about my Mom? She got pancreatic cancer when she was about 62. She had two surgeries, stayed in the hospital over 45 days and nearly died several times. I am so thankful every day that she made it. Of course none of us lives on this planet forever. But, somehow cancer at 44 just goes against my grain. Hey, cancer at any age goes against me! I had about resigned myself to this being multiple sclerosis. But the tiredness, no energy, etc. etc. could be attributed to why they did this bone scan this afternoon.

God is bigger, and he will never let me down. I keep telling myself this is part of my imagination and soon I will wake up and it will be over, and I will be fine. That I will be able to walk that 5k that I wanted to do. God help me! And I know that he will. It is just one of those things that need to be cried over. Even the suggestion of it. So cry with me. It looks like I need to get my power of attorney and will done, and I also need to write that book!! Thanks for reading! D

children and haircuts and my paintings

2009-01-07T01:15:00.000-08:00

My daughter is here tonight. We talked until nearly 2:00 am. It was really good to have her here. I chuckled at the baby. He is surely a Mama's boy. He likes me fine, but he is not around me very much. Since I have been sick, I have spent allot of time here by myself. It's just nice to have them here.

Let's see, do I have any words of wisdom? I cut my hair off, I mean "I" cut it off, I didn't go to the salon to get it cut off, I did it myself. I took the scissors and started cutting. Probably 2-3 inches off at a time. Why did I do this you ask?? Well, my hair is hard to take care of when it is longer. If I am on the couch because I don't feel good, my hair gets all balled up in the back from laying on the pillow. It doesn't look too bad now though, since it is curly you can't tell I did it myself.

I don't think I have any words of wisdom tonight. I am tired. I have been pretty busy the last couple of days and I am really tired. Take care and goodnight. And yes, I painted the picture, in another lifetime long before I got sick. I miss that life. Sometimes I wonder, "why did this have to happen to me"? I want to wake up in the morning and not hurt, and be able to talk right!! And not stumble! That would be a good day! I'm sorry to be a downer, but that has kind of been the mood for today. OK, I'd better quit or I'm going to start crying. I do that allot lately. I didn't cry once for years, now I cry all the time. I heard it said once, "What doesn't destroy me makes me stronger" Friedrich Nietzsche

Danni

The Wall!

2009-01-03T02:37:00.000-08:00

You know what its like to hit the wall. Where you reach a point that you really can't take anymore and even banging your head against the wall requires too much effort! That was today!

The morning wasn't too bad, but then I looked at my appointment schedule for therapy and realized that I was supposed to be at an appointment today at 2:00 pm. I looked at the clock! It was 2:01! So, I called therapy and told them what had happened and they said ok, but you have a physical therapy appointment at 3:30 can you make that. I said sure! So I hurried around, got dressed, gathered up the kids and called my Mom because its not a good idea to leave a six year old and a 14 year old together in a waiting room. Especially when they bicker.

Mom agreed to keep the kids at her house while I went to the appointment and out the door we went. Partway across the top of Crouch Mesa I heard the tell tail thump thump thump. The tire was flat. I pulled off the road and my son and I started getting the tire out of the trunk. Mind you I have a bunch of junk in my car and I had to get it out first! My son started pumping up the jack and I called my Mom, and the therapist. I finished on the phone and stood on the side of the highway trying to make sure these idiots didn't hit my son. I should make a call to Dawn Truckings water hawlers department, but I won't.

My son finished the tire and I called my Mom to see where she was and we made a plan to meet at the gas station. I called therapy and I basically had five minutes to make a twelve minute drive and it just wasn't going to work and I had to cancel that appointment too. By then I really needed to see my therapists smiling face. He helps me get in a good mood.

I checked with my daughter to see what time she got off. I was going to go and get another tire but realized that if my son was going to get anything to eat before I gave him back to his Father, we had better go now. We got to the restaurant and ordered. They brought us our drinks and my granddaughter promptly spilled hers on me. Long story short we got our food and ate dinner on time. When I got the check I realized that it was much more than I had anticipated. I had ordered a trio appetizer and she had brought me regular sizes, one of each. She had missed it in the translation somewhere. I have such a hard time talking!

This illness that they are still trying to diagnose has messed up my mouth and it is very hard for me to talk. I talk like I have cotton balls around my tongue. Instead of reading it back to me she was in a hurry and didn't! She went and got the manager because she couldn't get what I was saying. Or trying to say. My speach is not that bad that I can't be understood. I can. It is just hard, you have to work at it, and so do I. The manager and I figured things out and she adjusted my ticket to reflect what I had originally ordered.

By that time I was in tears. I haven't cried in ten years probably except when my friend Mark and my Dad died! I just don't cry. But, I have cried more in the last month to make up. It is heart wrenching to me to be in this position. To struggle to speak and to worry about falling all the time, my eyes, it's all such a struggle that I'm having a hard time of it. The fear of ending up like my step dad in a nursing home and no one comes to see me. The positive of all this is that we didn't get hit while out on that highway changing a time. I thank God for that! I am sure that someday I will understand this better, but right now I don't I'm upset, I'm angry and I really, really scared.

Danni

Happy New Year!!

2009-01-01T23:26:00.000-08:00

I watched the ball drop on tv last night. I thought to myself that is crazy to get out in the middle of that many people!!! Sorry, I don't do crowds very well. Although, if I got the chance to go to an NFL football game I would go. I would probably go no matter who was playing. Even if it wasn't the Raiders, maybe the Giants, Colts, Broncos, Chargers or even Dallas. I kind of like Tony Romo!

It is true that I am a homebody. I can't help it. I always have been, since I was much younger. I just don't like getting out in the middle of a bunch of people. That is my personality coming out I guess. I happen to like ALLOT of people so it is nothing against the human race. And, that is not wrong. There are thousands of people out there that thrive on the excitement. I think my daughter is one of them. She works allot and has a hard time staying home allot. My niece gets depressed if she stays at home allot. Just different kinds of people.

I used to write deovtionals, and I could really make a devotional out of this one. I could make this great point and add a really relevant scripture to it and wow, there you go! A nice little devotional. That is how I like to write, blunt and to the point. That is who I am! And what is wrong with that you say? Oh, Nothing!

I have been stuck at home for several weeks now. Since I got sick there is not much that I can do, nor much that I want to do! But, stay home. And here in a couple of weeks I get to pack this house up and move down the parking lot a ways, to a ground floor apartment where I won't be falling off the stairs anymore. Scarey!

No, change is good. Pushing your limists a bit once in awhile is good too. That is why I push myself to go places I'd rather not and rub elbows with people I don't know. I believe that you stretch yourself as a person when you push your comfort zones a bit and do what it is that you don't really like to do. So, I didn't go anywhere for New Years eve. I stayed here and watched the ball drop, just my son and I sipping carbonated juice! No wine, no champagne, nothing. After all, my son IS 14 and it won't be much longer that he will be happy staying home with MOM!

Danni

Let the games begin

2009-01-01T01:21:00.000-08:00

Well, the pain is beginning to come back again. I have not been able to take the tegretol as much because I have had appointments. But, I take it at night before I go to bed and it makes me really sleepy, dopey, goofy and well where's doc! I was hoping that the pain would begin to subside, but I guess not! I am disgusted.

I went into this website. It is called www.livingwithtn.org they came to my blog here and wrote to me and suggested that I look into it, so I did. I think it will be a good thing for me.

I am really out of it tonight. It is nearly 2:30 am, and that doesn't bother me too much really, but I have kind of a writers block. All I really want to do is scream and throw things. Now that would be childish wouldn't it. But, I sure would feel better!! I went to therapy in 1991. We had a wiffle bat and a duffle bag filled with something, who knows what. But, it was the greatest thing for taking out your aggression. Getting it out of your system. Gee, I wish I had one. But, it probably wouldn't be a good idea. My son would called the men in the little white coats and that wouldn't be good.

I think I will just sign off and go to bed. I need some sleep I think. I didn't get much last night on top of things. Take care, whoever you are out there in that wonderful void! Happy New Year.

Danni

Focus! Just Focus!

2008-12-31T15:07:00.000-08:00

OK, just breathe. Breathe in, breathe out! It's all a matter of focus. Well not ALL, but a large part is the way you look at things. It can't change that I hurt, and it can't change the fact the I am tired, more like exhausted and that I cry at the drop of a hat. Or that the medication makes me sleep for hours. But, I am trying to keep a positive outlook and am hoping that it will help.

This is the woman that never cried. Not even if I smashed my finger with a hammer. I didn't cry! But now, now that I am facing an illness that will forever alter my life! Yeah, I cry! I cry allot!

I went to the physical therapist today. I really like him and I think it will be good for me to go to Physical Therapy and Occupational Therapy twice a week. It will keep me focused on something positive. Focused on pro-action and not sitting at home feeling sorry for myself. He said to me. "It doesn't matter what we call it, because we don't have a diagnosis yet. What matters is that we are focused on the problem, on what is actually happening and doing something about it"! I like that. The big problem is that I have falling issues. I fall down when I should be ok. I fell off the stairs. Part of the problem is that I hurt myself!

I am glad that I am finally doing something about this! I can't change what that MRI found! And, I can't change what is going on inside my body. But, I can change what my attitude is about it. "What does not destroy me makes me stronger. - Friedrich Nietzsche" I can't let this destroy me. I have always considered myself a strong woman. I guess we will find out just how strong I really am! Do you know what makes me strong? God for one, two I am stubborn, three I have truly great friends. Even if I just met those friends. I do have some pretty cool friends.

Danni

And the doctor said.......

2008-12-30T23:20:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow I go to the physical therapist. I have to be there at 9:00 am and I am not good at mornings at all. It is nothin' for me to sleep until noon. I just can't help it. It is very hard for me to get to sleep before 2:00 am. Physical therapy kind of freaks me out. It's making this thing just a little bit more real. And allot more freaky!

I guess you could say that I am almost to panick mode. I know this man who has multiple sclerosis. He can't move, he can't speak, and he just lays there. Not being able to move or communicate is like being stuck in a very tight tunnel!! And, I am clastrophobic! I keep praying that I will wake up from this nightmare. But, every morning when I wake up it is still here and I still am having a very hard time talking! It's been said that I was pretending to be sick so I could get out of responsibilities! Oh man, if that was true, then I could make it STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like I am being cheated out of my life. There are so many things I want to do and this death grip is closing tighter and tighter! It feels like it is getting harder and harder to breath.

When I write, no matter how bad it is getting. I try to find something positive, because if I don't, I will get bogged down in the negative so bad that it really will get me. So, what is positive about potentially having an illness that will eventually put me in a nursing home. People don't call and check on me now, what makes me think they will if I go to a nursing home! I can be honest here, because I really don't think anyone reads it. So, how much time do I have left? This has come on pretty quickly. I never saw this coming! I probably have at least ten to 20 years before I can no longer function. With physical and occupational therapy maybe more. I intend to fight. There is no way I am going to sit down and just take it. I have a few books to write! I had intended on public speaking but I am not sure now. I have such a communication problem. I want to at least KNOW my grandchildren!

It's gonna be ok. I know this. God has never left me yet, and he won't leave me now. All things work together for good for those who are called according to his purpose. And, I believe that I am called. I just had no idea how much! I had no idea that I would cross the bed of coals, the bed of nails, raging rapids, and swing through the forest. Oh God help me now!

Danni

Losing a diamond

2008-12-30T02:16:00.000-08:00

Have you ever lost something that was important to you? Something that was so important that you didn't think you could live without it? YET, you didn't even know it was that important! Because you never thought about it. You took it SO for granted that it never occured to you that you might lose it. Like maybe your voice? I'm not talking about getting a cold or laryngitis and losing your voice. Knowing that in a few days you will get it back. No, I'm talking about losing your voice for good.

I have lost my voice. Yes, I can still talk but what I say does not make sense to most people. Sound is coming out, but everyone is saying "huh" allot! Like I have said before, I have Trigeminal Neuralgia. There is another illness that many people with Trigeminal Neuralgia also have and that is Multiple Sclerosis. I have never seen losing my voice as a possibility with Trigeminal Neuralgia. But, it comes up on the list for problems with Multiple Sclerosis. I have many symptoms that do not come up on the TN list, but they come up on the MS list. Go figure!

AND, I have lost my voice to the point that it is hard to communicate. I talk just as much or more than I did before, quite possibly because I am afraid that if I don't say what I have to say I may wake up and my voice is totally gone and I won't be able to communicate. No one has a treatment for this kind of ailment. I woke up one morning and I was having a little bit of trouble talking. Within a few days my voice as I knew it was gone!

My life as I knew it is gone. Bipolar Disorder was a walk in the park compared to this mess. You can always say that there is always someone worse off than you are. You should count your blessings. That someone is my step dad. I call him Papa. He has Multiple Sclerosis and has had for nearly thirty years. I went to see him today and I could hardly make him understand what I was trying to say to him.

Maybe they have caught it early enough that they can treat me. Maybe they have caught this early enough that I can learn to grieve before I lose my voice. Maybe I can learn to live with these terrible illness's and it will be ok. It's got to be ok. God has his hand on me. I know that. He gave me a ministry eight years ago. Maybe, just maybe since I can't be out running the countryside, maybe I can get on this computer and get the writing done that I need to do. Maybe I will learn to cry.

Danni

The Read and the Well Read

2008-12-27T23:19:00.000-08:00

My son and I went to the mall today. He wanted to turn in some video games and get some new ones. I just wanted to eat. I don't normally go dutch treat with my son, but today was one of those days. After he was done at the video game store we went to the bookstore for a minute. On the way out we stopped to talk to the store manager. My middle daughter and the store manager are cousins. We stopped and talked for a little while. He told us what books he had been reading lately. It kind of surprised me that he reads as much as he does, since he is amongst books as much as he is. On the way out I got to thinking. Maybe I should ask this man if he would read my book in progress, and see what he thinks? Hmmmmm!

I am sure that what he reads is a little different from what I write. I know this guy, I've known him for a long time. But, I can say that I don't know him WELL! But still. A manager of a bookstore cannot possibly read every book in his store unless it is in his genre. My books are probably not in his genre.

But, I still think I might drop by the bookstore and just pick his brain a little bit. He would definitely know what sells too. Yet, I take this to yet one more level and I really begin to think about my work. My writing. One of the things that bothers me the worst about getting sick is that I have such a hard time talking. I sound like I have peanut butter or something in my mouth and I am trying to work around it. But, I can still type! Even though I feel like I have wasted so much time!

I am determined not to let this illness, disease, whatever it is that you want to call it. I am not. NOTE, I am NOT going to let it get me down. I have to admit that the word suicide has crept into my mind more than once over the last nine weeks. The pain is excruciating and now my mouth. My voice! It has let me down! I have done a little bit of public speaking and I really liked it. If this is the only mode of "speaking" that I have left I intend to use it as much as I can, while I can. I am praying for the best and preparing for the worst.

With my hands bothering me the way they are I don't know how much longer I can type. This morning I was making breakfast for my youngest son and I had gotten a small bowl out of the cupboard to make honey butter for our pancakes. My hand could not hold onto it's grip and the bowl slid from my hands and hit the floor. I was cursing and crying all at the same time because I knew what had happened. Little electric shocks went through my hands all morning and are still going on tonight and I lost my grip, there is nothing I can do about it. Later in the afternoon I picked up a ziplock bag of change that I had been saving so that I could get a few groceries and the same thing happened. The ziplock bag slipped from my hands and hit the floor.

With things like this going on. I need to get the books written that I want to write. I pray that something can be done for me. But, the words Multiple Sclerosis loom over my head and for the first time in years I am able to cry. Not just cry, but sob. I am so emotional. Take your adversities and use them. You never know how much time you might have left. You may not die, but your mouth may be closed and your hands silenced forever. And for a writer, that is a death sentence in itself!

Whatever it is that you have set goals for yourself to do. DO THEM! Don't wait! An accident may snuf your life out in an instant. Your health may take a serious turn for the worse. You never know what the future brings. Never ASSUME you will be here ten minutes from now. If you need to say I love you. Say it! If there is something you want to do. DO IT! Be in your kids lives. They won't remember the big fancy house the most. They will remember YOU!

And your spouse? Well, the spouse may get 1/2 of that big fancy house in the divorce proceedings, and when there is a divorce no one wins. There is never enough to go around then. So, protect your marriage as tho your very life depends on it. Because it does! Protect your health because your children are relying on you to be there. Protect your health because you can't take it back when it is ruined! It's done!

Danni

The day after!

2008-12-27T00:29:00.000-08:00

It is the day after Christmas and all through the house...!!!
Well, I really don't feel like poetry today, but I'll be honest with you. I don't feel like much of anything! This illness might just be getting the better of me. It does not bother me whenever I sleep. I wake up feeling just fine, and actually talking halfway clear. Then, as the day progress's my speach gets worse and my face and head hurt more and more. Unfortunately that progression only takes a few minutes!

There is this man that is after me. He wants me to be his girlfriend. I think I've been pretty clear about how I feel, but he won't give up. Yesterrday he got mad at me because he was literally drinking with his 16 year old daughter. I got pretty upset about it and told him how I felt and hung up on him. He called back today and told me to look in the mirror and at least he could talk straight. I know I shouldn't care about what he said, but it hurt me pretty bad.

I have no feelings for him and have chosen to no longer take his calls. It is the safest thing for me to do. I can't help it that I have a hard time talking. The thing that upsets me the most is that I wanted to be a public speaker!!!

I guess that I can still write is a good thing in itself. I have a message that I want the world to hear. The diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder hit me pretty hard, and I have learned to live with it. I think that I have learned to live with it pretty successfully. But, this one is going to take me awhile. My voice going bad, the electrical shocks in my hands and stumbling and falling that I can't seem to control are hitting me pretty hard.

It will be ok. It has to be! My voice needs to be heard, even if it is only a whisper. And I will move, even if its in a wheelchair!

Danni

A Voice Silenced

2008-12-22T23:04:00.000-08:00

I am a writer! I have written a book, several small books and over 600 devotionals. I quit writing about three years ago. I think I just got too busy for it.

I believe that God has a plan for my writing. And that I am the one who has walked away from it for quite awhile. Now, here I am, I am sick so I am at home a whole lot more than I was. And, I have lost my voice. It is very hard for me to speak correctly. It feels like my tongue is thicker than it should be. I slur my words and the person I am talking to asks me to repeat myself many times. I wanted to be a public speaker. There is no way I can be a public speaker now. I don't know if my voice will ever come back or not.

I have a quote on my email that reads "My voice needs to be heard, even if it's only a whisper"! I wrote that! I still have a voice. It may only be a small one, but it is still my voice. And, that is what I write, a whisper. I don't know who reads my blogs. But, I can still say what I need to say through the written word. Here I don't stumble over my words and slur them. What I say is clear as a bell.

My life and my body have changed dramatically over the last couple of months. It came on very quickly, then I fell and hurt my hip and that makes things worse.

I don't believe that God made me get sick so that I would sit down and write. I believe that I GOT sick, and this is what I am going to do with it. And, I think God agrees with my decision. I am going to take this opportunity and write!!! I think the book will get started after the first of the year.

I don't know who reads this, but if there is something you need to be doing. Just do it. Don't wait for a major life changing experience to do it. God allows things to happen and we don't know why, they just do. But, I believe there is always something to be learned from it.

Danni

The Top Ten!

2008-12-19T20:22:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had one of those days that just topped the top ten! So frustrating that you wanted to go back to bed and start over! Maybe even throw things, it made me wish that I had a punching bag! Well, today was one of those days.

I had to get my granddaughter to school and back home. She has perfect attendance and she was late! I am on medication that makes me really tired and I sleep allot. In the afternoon, I knew that I would fall asleep so I set my alarm so I could get her off the bus. I never heard that alarm and awoke to my daughters voice wanting to know why I didn't get my granddaughter off the bus! Then I had to drive to my daughters house and get my granddaughter, half awake!

Then I went to Wal-Mart to get a few things and I didn't have enough money on my debit card. I was sure how much money I had!!! Oh geez! I cried all the way back home.

What do you do with bad days? Well, the best thing I can say about them is that "this too shall pass"! I cried, yes I did! I'm sure I'll have another bad day again. But, the other side of that coin is, "I'll have another good day again too"!

Danni

Deck the %$#@! Halls!

2008-12-18T17:40:00.000-08:00

OKOK, I'm not a total screwge, well maybe!

Christmas is a really hard time of year for me. My children are married, except the younger one! They have their own lives and it's just pretty hard for me to get into the whole thing. The last time that the kids were all home was about six years ago. I had five Christmas tress in the house! Garland all around the living room and over 1000 of those little Christmas lights! It was beautiful!

Today, I am struggling to put up my tree. It is a small tree. I plan to put a bunch of lights on it and some small ornaments. Shrug! I am having a hard time caring. Since no one will probably read this blog, I can be totally honest here! Hey, I need to be totally honesty anyway!

Since I have been sick things that need to happen just haven't! I care, I really do care! I want my energy back.

I went to have an MRI done last night. Twenty minutes of lying totally still with my eyes closed. Mind you I am clastrophobic! Here I am singing to myself trying to keep from literally freaking out! YIKES! Well, I won't know the answers til' possibily January. That freaks me out too. I just want this thing done! Finished! Etc.!

OK, this is me. Really me! My totally honest feelings. I am scared of the possibilities. I am afraid of being in pain the rest of my life! And, I am afraid that this might be tumors, worse yet I am afraid it might be multiple sclerosis. OK, there, I said it!

My step dad has MS. He and I are pretty close and I usually go see him on a pretty regular basis. But, since I found out about the possibilities here with my own illness, I can barely go see him. I can't look at him. His illness never bothered me. I took it in stride. But, now, I guess I see myself!

So, deck the %$#@! Halls!

Good night!

Danni

Life Goes On!

2008-12-17T15:49:00.000-08:00

I've been sick for a while now. I am trying really hard not to let it get to me. But, it does! I have an illness that is very painful. Something is pushing on the nerves that govern my face. I feel like I have typed this over and over. There are allot of people who really care for me and who have showed it over and over. And, I really appreciate them! But, there are those who don't seem to care at all. I went to dinner with one of the ones who really should care about me allot. But, it didn't feel like they cared at all! I felt invisible.

All day it has bothered me. I wanted to pick up the phone and yell at them! Scream, don't you see it? Don't you care that I hurt? But, I haven't! I know all of the words! I know that I should not feel this way and I know that in the end that would not solve the problem. Am I better than that? No, probably not! I just have more self control. It's not that I am a "better" person!

Should this person acknowledge that I hurt and be more attentive to it? Yeah probably! Do I have a hundred reasons why they don't? Yeah I could come up with a whole list of reasons why. It's not they don't care it is simpyly that they have interests in another areas that do not include me or my pain. So, am I going to let this eat at me until I am angry and upset! No, not at all. Yes, it bothers me. This person should be a little more concerned about me. This person is not the only one. but, they don't, none of them do! I have friends who do, this one just doesn't! I shrug my shoulders, so be it! Shake it off, and don't worry so much about it. I won't say don't worry about it at all, just don't worry about it! Forget about it! Move one! Life goes on!

Picking your nose!

2008-12-17T13:31:00.000-08:00

I got an email from a friend of mine just now. It was talking about telling your kids not to run in the house. There were two pictures in the email and one showed a little boy with a skinned nose. Yep, that can happen if you run in the house or outdoors or wherever. For me, that can happen simply by walking carefully down the stairs!

It was the next picture that was so incredibly disturbing. This Mom was sitting on a chair, holding her child and consoling him. That was not disturbing! The child hard a FORK UP HIS NOSE! And, I don't mean up his nose picking the boogers out, he had this fork up his nose and all the way through the top of it!

THAT was disturbing! I think the most disturbing part of all is that he was not crying and his morther was not upset. It had to be photoshopped somewhow. But, I guess there is a lesson to be learned here. Yes, running in the house is a bad thing! Forks belong on the table, and if you shove your fork so far up your nose that it comes out the top its a good thing to GO SEE THE DOCTOR!!! Geez, OK, I'm off my soapbox! Yikes!

OK, I'm calm.

Danni

Blogging and communication

2008-12-16T01:37:00.001-08:00

I am relatively new to the art of blogging. I have heard about it for a long time, and just haven't gotten around to trying it. Is this the new way of sending smoke signals? I can just imagine standing on a hill and sending up puffs of smoke to tell your neighbors you are coming for dinner! Now, all you have to do is go to your computer and send an email or your phone and send a text. Even the phone is an antiquated piece of equipment. At least the one that hangs on the wall is!

Communicatin is a wondersful thing. Without communication the world would cease to exist. Without communication no war would ever end. Without communication doctors could not do their job and people would die. Without communication our roads would be a jumbled mess. Sometimes that communication comes in the form of one bad finger, but that in itself that is a form of communication. No books would be read and no famous speaches would be heard.

So, I think I am liking this form of communication! Since I like to write and you like to read, well then! Let's communicate!

Danni