Please understand that I am not talking trash about the medical profession. We all need them and for the most part I think I can say, that the medical profession is as helpful as they can be. But, I want to share something that happened to me. And, I want to share it for a reason. Let me explain:

I fell last November. A week later I still hurt pretty bad, so I went to the doctor. He was actually a Physicians Assistant, but the medical profession still, cannot work this way. When I went to see this guy he told me "well, it's been a week and you couldn't walk if it were broken so there is no point in xray"! I was mad but I just got up and left. He asked me if I needed pain pills and I told him no. Over the last few months the pain in my hip has gotten worse and so has the pain in my hand. It is always in the same place.

Finally in January I had about had so much pain that I asked my Neurologist to xray both my hand and hip on the right side. He did. The xrays were not exactly conclusive for a break so again I let it go. He did find that I have osteoparosis.

I fell coming out of my apartment which was on the second floor. All of my other doctors (psychiatrist and Neurologist) decided that I needed to get a ground floor apartment. (I almost have everything in my new apartment), I hurt really bad by now so I decided to go to this PA again and see if he could help me. I thought that maybe he had a bad day and I would give him a chance to clear his name. I can barely sleep at night and barely walk. I can't pick up more than a couple of pounds of weight on my hand because of the pain in my thumb where it attaches to the wrist. I went in and this guy was a total jerk to me again. He said "if it isn't broken I can't help you"! Again he offered pain pills and I said "NO, I want it fixed"!!! I can take enough of an edge off of the pain with over the counter pain pills, now that the Trigeminal Neuralgia is better. I don't need heavy duty pain killers. I take enough prescriptions as it is (10).

I also have a standing prescription for my thyroid. I had the pharmacy fax this guy for a refill. Standard procedure! He has refilled this prescription several times in the past. HE DENIED THE REQUEST!!! I have been out of thyroid meds since February 5! So now, I have an appointment with another provider on friday. I filed a report with the front office, since this is a state run clinic it can be done that way. The reason I posted this is to say one statement. DO NOT put up with this kind of crap! Find another provider but don't give up only YOU know how much it hurts!! Just because I am poor doesn't mean I have to settle for poor health care!! AND, people who live with pain come across as a pain and a hypochondriac, but we really aren't. We just want to stop hurting.

Thanks, Danni

The past! The very distant past!! Comes knocking.

I call my Mom at least once every day. Generally I call her every morning and every night. She is older (76) and she is not in the best of health. I always have the fear that I am going to come home and find her either very sick and in a diabetic coma or dead. So, I call her! Every day!

One evening last week I called her to check on things and she asked me if I had gotten an interesting phone call. I said, "no, from who"? She said Paul! I just about dropped the phone. I have not talked to Paul in at least three to four years. Paul was my second boyfriend. We dated for over two years and then I got stupid and went looking for greener pastures. I thought that since he had not mentioned getting married that he was just using me for what he could get and so I left. I never told him how I felt.

You have to understand my upbringing. My Dad was distant and my Mom worked all the time. I learned about life by trial and error and leaving Paul was a very big error! I didn't know how to handle a relationship. I thought I did, but I was only about 16 years old. I should not have been in such a relationship, but I was. When it cane to confrontation I could not do it. I didn't know how. It was easier for me to leave than to tell Paul what I needed. And the good Lord knows that I didn't even really know what I needed, let alone be able to vocalize it.

And then there was another problem. He was very good looking and in a big black cowboy hat! And he did take advantage of me very badly! I was no naive!!! I thought he loved me, but things began to, you know... NOT add up! As I grew up it was clear to me what the man in the cowboy hat really wanted and slowly I backed away. He was taking advantage of me. But, it was too late. Paul was gone! I don't blame him. He wasn't a perfect man but he was good to me. I know that he really loved me, and I did love him I just didn't have my head screwed on straight.

My head is screwed on a whole lot better now than it was 27 years ago, I know that. I still love Paul. I know that. The other night, my Mom said that Paul might be moving back to the area. I hope he does. I still love him but I honestly don't think he is coming back to this area because of me. He likes this area and I am not surprised. It will be good to see him, but I don't hink I am on his list of people that he can't wait to see. It is sad isn't it! It is too bad that my life was such a mess that I couldn't talk to him, I simply ran away. I don't run from my problems anymore. I try my best to face them and be honest about how I feel. I wish the best for Paul because he deserves it. I wish the best for me because I deserve it too. What I did was wrong, goodness knows I've paid for what I did. It's time to look at the future, whatever that may be!

Danni

Stinkin' thinkin'

I am almost moved. My landlady told me that I was trying to get this done too fast and make myself sick again. So, I quit! I got on my couch, grabbed my remote and watched TV for three days. Sleeping when I could and just resting. I have many friends and they have been very good helping me. I am truly blessed. They have come and moved furniture, boxes and helped me to clean the place up. Well almost cleaned up.

I know that I have sat here in my little apartment feeling sorry for myself and wondering if anybody really cared about me. That's what we call 'stinkin thinkin'! That was before I had to move! I have thought about all of the bad things I have done in my life and all of the people I have hurt and it is hard to bear. I have spent too much time feeling bad about things that I have done. I believe that I should feel remorse, that is helpful and a good thing. But, if I sit in the mud and the muck of feeling bad and feeling sorry for myself I will cause myself some problems, some serious problems. I'm sorry for the people that I hurt in my life and I intend to do better.

Stinkin' thinkin' will drag you down. If all you do is put yourself down and tell yourself what kind of a rotten person you are, well then, you are not doing yourself or anyone else any good. Genuine remorse and a positive step to do better in your life makes all the difference.

Danni

I am about 80% finished with moving my apartment into a new apartment. Now you would think that since these apartments are the exact same layout and square footage, they are only on separate stories. I do not need to be on a second story since I have vertigo. Umm, I fell off the bottom two stairs and kind of hurt myself. Anyway, I digress! You would think that since I moved everything OUT of the exact same apartment I am moving INTO, that I would be able to put it away easily. WRONG! I have no idea where all of this stuff is going to go! I have collected some junk after all, but hey, it will all work out. One thing that I have learned is that things will indeed eventually work out. No matter how hard I try it will eventually work out.

Everything is a mess right now boxes stacked everywhere, nothing on the walls and NO CABLE! Well, not until tuesday anyway. My life doesn't have to be in perfect order to be ok. It seems like it, but in reality its ok. Do you remember the cartoon of the kid walking down the hall and things keep falling off behind him? Or was that a movie? Anyway, I am in the eye of the storm but it will be ok! Don't worry, be happy!

Why I love my daughter

My daughter and I got into an argument today. If you are a parent you know that is true without even asking why? The why is not the point at all of this it is only that it happened. My daughter was upset with me and she told me that she could definitely tell me many things that I had done wrong as a parent. Well to tell you the truth I could tell you many things SHE has done as a parent too. But, I see very little point in that. And as far as her being able to tell me many things that I have done wrong as a parent, yes, I am sure she can. I can probably tell you more because I remember them better than she does. And as far as the mistakes go that she has made as a parent, well the time will come when she remembers them better too, there is no reason for me to drag them out!

Why do people find it necessary to comment about things we have done in the past. Why do they find it necessary to remind you of the things you have done in the past and then get mad because you write a book that tells everyone else what they were? They are called tell all books! I can remember what I want and I can tell what I want because it's my story. When my daughter gets old enough to write a tell all book I have no doubt that she will have many good stories to tell about life living with me. And she can do that because by then, its HER story! Isn't it amazing how people have advice on having children. The more advice they have the 'less' children they have!

When my daughter told me that she could tell me some 'stories' about how life was when she lived at my home. I said "yeah, I'm sure you do"! The title of this blog is "why I love my daughter". I love my daughter because she IS my daughter. That is all there is to it. I love her no matter what she does. I still love her. Whether I get involved in what she does or not is up to me. But, I still love her. I could tell you many things about my daughter, that she is smart, beautiful, a good mother (and she is) and many others. And we won't get into the other side of that coin. The reason your eyes are put on the front of your face is to keep you looking forward. If you were supposed to look back, you really would have a set of eyes back there.

Danni

Winning is all how you look at it! Go 13

I am a huge fan of football and today I watched, literally on the edge of my seat as the Arizona Cardinalas played Pittsburg. I am sure that Pittsburg was the odds on favorite but not for me. No, my favorite is Kurt Warner. I watched as the season progressed and I watched how he spoke after the game. It was the NFC championship game that Kurt gave all of his praise to the Lord for who he was and how far he had come as a quarterback. That sealed it in my heart for who my favorite football star really was.

I have been an Oakland Raiders fan for nearly 25 years. And I still hold a place in my heart for the black and silver. But, Oakland hasn't done much in the last few years and tho I continue to be a loyal fan there is something about Kurt Warner that means I like his style and his way of giving the grace to God that makes me want to buy a t'shirt and show off the number 13. Knowing what kind of man he is.

I know that Kurt was upset after the loss to Pitsburg. I was to! But think about this Kurt. You brought a team out of oblivion. You brought them from the sidelines to the headlines. No, he didn't do it alone, number 11 helped out a lot and so did every man on that team from the coaches to the waterboy. It's kind of like the Kingdom of God. Each of us plays a huge part in the battle that we fight. Each of us plays a part. Some are seen more than others, but that doesn't make them more important. No, that just makes them on the front page more.

So Kurt this is my word to you. Keep up the fight. I expect that you will continue in the fight whether it be on the football field or on the battle field for the Lords Kingdom. You are truly an original and God sees what you have done. You have been selected to stand up and stand out. You are special! You will probably never read this, but thats ok. God has! This is for the man who wears the number 13!