The past! The very distant past!! Comes knocking.

I call my Mom at least once every day. Generally I call her every morning and every night. She is older (76) and she is not in the best of health. I always have the fear that I am going to come home and find her either very sick and in a diabetic coma or dead. So, I call her! Every day!

One evening last week I called her to check on things and she asked me if I had gotten an interesting phone call. I said, "no, from who"? She said Paul! I just about dropped the phone. I have not talked to Paul in at least three to four years. Paul was my second boyfriend. We dated for over two years and then I got stupid and went looking for greener pastures. I thought that since he had not mentioned getting married that he was just using me for what he could get and so I left. I never told him how I felt.

You have to understand my upbringing. My Dad was distant and my Mom worked all the time. I learned about life by trial and error and leaving Paul was a very big error! I didn't know how to handle a relationship. I thought I did, but I was only about 16 years old. I should not have been in such a relationship, but I was. When it cane to confrontation I could not do it. I didn't know how. It was easier for me to leave than to tell Paul what I needed. And the good Lord knows that I didn't even really know what I needed, let alone be able to vocalize it.

And then there was another problem. He was very good looking and in a big black cowboy hat! And he did take advantage of me very badly! I was no naive!!! I thought he loved me, but things began to, you know... NOT add up! As I grew up it was clear to me what the man in the cowboy hat really wanted and slowly I backed away. He was taking advantage of me. But, it was too late. Paul was gone! I don't blame him. He wasn't a perfect man but he was good to me. I know that he really loved me, and I did love him I just didn't have my head screwed on straight.

My head is screwed on a whole lot better now than it was 27 years ago, I know that. I still love Paul. I know that. The other night, my Mom said that Paul might be moving back to the area. I hope he does. I still love him but I honestly don't think he is coming back to this area because of me. He likes this area and I am not surprised. It will be good to see him, but I don't hink I am on his list of people that he can't wait to see. It is sad isn't it! It is too bad that my life was such a mess that I couldn't talk to him, I simply ran away. I don't run from my problems anymore. I try my best to face them and be honest about how I feel. I wish the best for Paul because he deserves it. I wish the best for me because I deserve it too. What I did was wrong, goodness knows I've paid for what I did. It's time to look at the future, whatever that may be!

Danni