I went to church today. Second time in six months. I got up this morning and my stomach hurt and I was SO tired I just wanted to go back to sleep. But I didn't! I made myself get going, get myself cleaned up and go to church. I was sure glad I did. I have vowed to "make" myself go from now on, I know I do so much better when I do. Its good to fellowship. I need the teaching and I need the closeness of my Christian friends. I have heard the story many times about the coals in a fire and when you take one smoldering ember and put it to the side by itself it goes out. But when that coal of fire, is with the other embers the fire burns brighter and stays burning with the help of each other. I love that story.
I am doing really well. I started physical therapy on friday and can feel a huge difference in just one session. I am so excited.
I am now only on two medications. One for Bipolar and one for vertigo. I have to take something for pain since my hip is still bothering me but its ok. Medication is a tool and should be used so, not to take over my life and drag it down. I have not felt this good in years.
I really think that Bipolar Disorder has gotten a bad rap in some ways. The focus has been on the bad part of the illness and that anyone who has it has to get OVER it. Correct me if I'm wrong but I am seeing that while control is necessary and has to be done I think that I allowed the joyous, creative side of me to be stifled and that is depressing all by itself. I had gotten to the point that I was serious all the time to the point of being sick, tired and a real stick in the mud most of the time. I don't like being that way. I am who I am. God created me this way. Illness is a part of my life. One of my friends asked me if I had been healed. and I say "yes" I believe I have in so many ways. If God has chosen to take all of the illness from me it will prove itself in time. I know that the way I feel right now I have not felt better.
I am watching what I eat, taking vitamins, b6, b12, calcium/mag, and an herbal/vitamin to help with hormones since I don't have ovaries now as of surgery 2 years ago. (thanks RON for the comment about hormones)! Most of the problems that I had physically are gone.
My son and my daughter in law have a Wii and we do the fitness profiles on it. When I did the first profile it came back that I was in the physical shape of a 57 year old. That was 42 days ago. Friday night I spent the night with my daughter in law. My son has been out of town working and she was bored. P:) We redid the Wii profile of me and it came back that I had the physical shape of a 44 year old! I AM 44!! Praise God! I feel so much better. I now know what the ending of my book is going to be. I knew when I started the book that I could not write a book on dealing with lifes problems and illness's and getting better from them in the shape I was in. Something had to happen. I now know that something HAS happened, I am 1000% better and getting better daily! That is the beginning of a new life and an end to the misery. Thank God!
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Saturday, April 11, 2009
LUI - Living under the influence
June 25, 1995 I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I was in an utter state of confusion and I simply could no longer function. My marriage was a mess. The man that I was married to was a stranger to me, I no longer knew who he was. I no longer knew who I was! I took the pills as prescribed and went on with my life. In and out of psychiatric hospitals for the next two years, my life was a mess. I continued in counseling and did what the doctors told me. Over the years I began to feel better about life. My husband was long gone and I had built a life of my own. Third time divorced I was glad to be on my own again.
One day I made a decision that would alter my life forever. What we must remember here is that no decision is the wrong one, even if it seems so at the time. Because God knows what is the right thing to do and sometimes those decisions that seem like the wrong ones are the decisions that make the biggest difference in our lives.
That decision was to move out of my comfy little apartment and live next door to my "best" friend. That decision pretty much set my life adrift, my emotional, spiritual and physical life would never be the same. Ten days later my "best" friend kicked me out. I was used to going to church all the time, walking almost a mile or two every day and being in a pretty good place spiritually, emotionally and physically. I stopped doing all of those things and that is when the health issues really began.
It started out with Trigeminal Neuralgia. They put me on one drug to see if it would help and for a long time it did. But, then it came back. Along the line my blood pressure went up a bit so they put me on something for that. Then my heart began to spasm so they put me on something for that! By the time I yelled STOP! I was on about 13 prescriptions in all and I was a mess. I could not sleep at night and I could not wake up during the day! My face hurt constantly, my blood pressure was up even higher than before! I didn't exercise, my spiritual life was dead and I was an emotional wreck.
That wasn't the worst of it! I had lost my ability to speak properly. I had vertigo and I was incontinent. I had to wear diapers to bed because if I don't I soak the bed and have to wash it every morning. I don't have a washer and dryer so I can't be washing the sheets every day. Not to mention what that does to my bed.
I have been living under the influence of prescription drugs for fourteen years. I have not been taking anything that you normally hear about as being bad. No Vicaden, codeine or anything else that is normally the bad boys of prescription drugs! No, what I have been taking is psychiatric and neurologic type drugs. And they have totally screwed me up! Today I got a zip lock bag and I threw all of my prescriptions into that bag and threw it in the back of the closet. I'm done with this mess! I don't want to do it anymore. The psychiatric medications were there while I was going through counseling and dealing with the issues that had brought me there. I'm done with that. The medications got way out of hand and I didn't even see it coming. I felt like it was the right thing to do at the time. I was such a wreck that I was incapable of getting out of the mess on my own and not strong enough spiritually to trust Gods direction or even know what it was if it was on a billboard.
I'm not saying that everyone needs to drop everything, but what I am saying is PAY ATTENTION! I'm kind of scared but a part of me is at peace now. I took my morning medication and now I have a headache. I'm not sure which one caused the headache, but I do know this. I'm done! God knows what is best all of the time. I believe that! I believed that back then, but I didn't have the strength enough to walk that belief. Not many people do! How do I learn to listen? Keep listening!
Danni
One day I made a decision that would alter my life forever. What we must remember here is that no decision is the wrong one, even if it seems so at the time. Because God knows what is the right thing to do and sometimes those decisions that seem like the wrong ones are the decisions that make the biggest difference in our lives.
That decision was to move out of my comfy little apartment and live next door to my "best" friend. That decision pretty much set my life adrift, my emotional, spiritual and physical life would never be the same. Ten days later my "best" friend kicked me out. I was used to going to church all the time, walking almost a mile or two every day and being in a pretty good place spiritually, emotionally and physically. I stopped doing all of those things and that is when the health issues really began.
It started out with Trigeminal Neuralgia. They put me on one drug to see if it would help and for a long time it did. But, then it came back. Along the line my blood pressure went up a bit so they put me on something for that. Then my heart began to spasm so they put me on something for that! By the time I yelled STOP! I was on about 13 prescriptions in all and I was a mess. I could not sleep at night and I could not wake up during the day! My face hurt constantly, my blood pressure was up even higher than before! I didn't exercise, my spiritual life was dead and I was an emotional wreck.
That wasn't the worst of it! I had lost my ability to speak properly. I had vertigo and I was incontinent. I had to wear diapers to bed because if I don't I soak the bed and have to wash it every morning. I don't have a washer and dryer so I can't be washing the sheets every day. Not to mention what that does to my bed.
I have been living under the influence of prescription drugs for fourteen years. I have not been taking anything that you normally hear about as being bad. No Vicaden, codeine or anything else that is normally the bad boys of prescription drugs! No, what I have been taking is psychiatric and neurologic type drugs. And they have totally screwed me up! Today I got a zip lock bag and I threw all of my prescriptions into that bag and threw it in the back of the closet. I'm done with this mess! I don't want to do it anymore. The psychiatric medications were there while I was going through counseling and dealing with the issues that had brought me there. I'm done with that. The medications got way out of hand and I didn't even see it coming. I felt like it was the right thing to do at the time. I was such a wreck that I was incapable of getting out of the mess on my own and not strong enough spiritually to trust Gods direction or even know what it was if it was on a billboard.
I'm not saying that everyone needs to drop everything, but what I am saying is PAY ATTENTION! I'm kind of scared but a part of me is at peace now. I took my morning medication and now I have a headache. I'm not sure which one caused the headache, but I do know this. I'm done! God knows what is best all of the time. I believe that! I believed that back then, but I didn't have the strength enough to walk that belief. Not many people do! How do I learn to listen? Keep listening!
Danni
Monday, April 6, 2009
The family tree
We all had dinner today at my son Mark and his wife Maggie's house. I had gone and bought the stuff for barbecue hamburgers and hotdogs. I made potato salad and Mom made a pasta salad. We got together and Mark and Maggie did the cooking basically while Mom and I stood and watched. We all ate and finished watching the bull riding. I like bull riding so that was a good thing for me.
When bull riding was over we started playing games on the Wii. We played bowling, tennis and golf. I was sitting there watching my daughter and daughter in law play bowling and I got a big lump in my throat. Here we were, all of us together, playing the Wii and laughing and joking around having a good time. My family is not known for having a good time together. I think we have all grown up enough that we can put the past behind us and let it rest where it belongs! I wanted to cry, but it was good tears not bad ones.
Family is all you've got and you and I should remember that and keep them close to your heart. I love my family and I have been trying very hard to make sure they know it. We had a huge family dissagreement a few years ago and we didn't talk for three years.
When my Dad died he and I were in a disagreement and I didn't call to smooth things over and neither did he. He died before I really knew if he heard what I was trying to say to him while he was out of it. I am glad that my kids and I got over our disagreement before it was too late.
When you have a disagreement with someone it is important to let them know how you feel, that you love them. But, when it is family it is even MORE important to say I love you and let it go. People will fight over the most stupid reasons!
Danni
When bull riding was over we started playing games on the Wii. We played bowling, tennis and golf. I was sitting there watching my daughter and daughter in law play bowling and I got a big lump in my throat. Here we were, all of us together, playing the Wii and laughing and joking around having a good time. My family is not known for having a good time together. I think we have all grown up enough that we can put the past behind us and let it rest where it belongs! I wanted to cry, but it was good tears not bad ones.
Family is all you've got and you and I should remember that and keep them close to your heart. I love my family and I have been trying very hard to make sure they know it. We had a huge family dissagreement a few years ago and we didn't talk for three years.
When my Dad died he and I were in a disagreement and I didn't call to smooth things over and neither did he. He died before I really knew if he heard what I was trying to say to him while he was out of it. I am glad that my kids and I got over our disagreement before it was too late.
When you have a disagreement with someone it is important to let them know how you feel, that you love them. But, when it is family it is even MORE important to say I love you and let it go. People will fight over the most stupid reasons!
Danni
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