LUI - Living under the influence

June 25, 1995 I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I was in an utter state of confusion and I simply could no longer function. My marriage was a mess. The man that I was married to was a stranger to me, I no longer knew who he was. I no longer knew who I was! I took the pills as prescribed and went on with my life. In and out of psychiatric hospitals for the next two years, my life was a mess. I continued in counseling and did what the doctors told me. Over the years I began to feel better about life. My husband was long gone and I had built a life of my own. Third time divorced I was glad to be on my own again.

One day I made a decision that would alter my life forever. What we must remember here is that no decision is the wrong one, even if it seems so at the time. Because God knows what is the right thing to do and sometimes those decisions that seem like the wrong ones are the decisions that make the biggest difference in our lives.

That decision was to move out of my comfy little apartment and live next door to my "best" friend. That decision pretty much set my life adrift, my emotional, spiritual and physical life would never be the same. Ten days later my "best" friend kicked me out. I was used to going to church all the time, walking almost a mile or two every day and being in a pretty good place spiritually, emotionally and physically. I stopped doing all of those things and that is when the health issues really began.

It started out with Trigeminal Neuralgia. They put me on one drug to see if it would help and for a long time it did. But, then it came back. Along the line my blood pressure went up a bit so they put me on something for that. Then my heart began to spasm so they put me on something for that! By the time I yelled STOP! I was on about 13 prescriptions in all and I was a mess. I could not sleep at night and I could not wake up during the day! My face hurt constantly, my blood pressure was up even higher than before! I didn't exercise, my spiritual life was dead and I was an emotional wreck.

That wasn't the worst of it! I had lost my ability to speak properly. I had vertigo and I was incontinent. I had to wear diapers to bed because if I don't I soak the bed and have to wash it every morning. I don't have a washer and dryer so I can't be washing the sheets every day. Not to mention what that does to my bed.

I have been living under the influence of prescription drugs for fourteen years. I have not been taking anything that you normally hear about as being bad. No Vicaden, codeine or anything else that is normally the bad boys of prescription drugs! No, what I have been taking is psychiatric and neurologic type drugs. And they have totally screwed me up! Today I got a zip lock bag and I threw all of my prescriptions into that bag and threw it in the back of the closet. I'm done with this mess! I don't want to do it anymore. The psychiatric medications were there while I was going through counseling and dealing with the issues that had brought me there. I'm done with that. The medications got way out of hand and I didn't even see it coming. I felt like it was the right thing to do at the time. I was such a wreck that I was incapable of getting out of the mess on my own and not strong enough spiritually to trust Gods direction or even know what it was if it was on a billboard.

I'm not saying that everyone needs to drop everything, but what I am saying is PAY ATTENTION! I'm kind of scared but a part of me is at peace now. I took my morning medication and now I have a headache. I'm not sure which one caused the headache, but I do know this. I'm done! God knows what is best all of the time. I believe that! I believed that back then, but I didn't have the strength enough to walk that belief. Not many people do! How do I learn to listen? Keep listening!

Danni