Mental Health Moments

When God calls my name
It really isn't the same
as when I decide my road
I put myself on overload

Yea tho' I walk throught the valley of the shadow of death...I will not fear the bats that circle nor the mice that intrude my home. For thou art with me O' God and the dark will not trouble me...so long as I put my trust in you..... My paraphrase of Psalms 23 as it applies to me right now!

Fear runs to and fro' within my heart as I contemplate the road that has been set before me. To return to my old home and take up responsibilities I had thought to be long past. A time in my life when fear rocked my very world and the role of caretaker was mine. Memories of sitting on the floor calling out my Mothers name, trying to get her to give me some sign that she was still here.

My Mother is a brittle diabetic. She survived pancreatic cancer nearly sixteen years ago and it has left her without most of her insides and a severe diabetic. Her blood sugars rise and fall at their own whim and we are at their mercy. My parents sold their home as it had become too much to take care of.

In their aging years a farm has many chores, mouths to feed and a house falling down around us. I remember all too well lying awake at night listening for any break in her uneven breathing. Waiting to hear her crash to the floor at any moment while the other ear listened to the bats outside my window and wondering if they might, once again, find their way into our home. The rodents that found their way into our home on a regular basis were the least of my worries.

The inevitable noise would wake me and my role of care-taker changed to that of frantic paramedic with little or no training. Trying to revive my Mother as she lay, once again, motionless wherever she had lost consciousness. Minutes drag by as my attempts to bring her blood sugar back up to normal levels and to regain her conscious mind. Never knowing if this is to be her last breath and I am the one to witness it. Waiting desperately for the sounds of sirens piercing the night and for the welcome face of Mary or Rita to take this role from me once again.

Going back home brings with it much peace and joy. Yet at the same time the quickened beat of my heart reminds me that I am the chosen one to care for my ailing parents. While my siblings help in any way they can, I know that the role rests on me. To give my parents the peace and joy of spending their last days on this earth in the home they love is the least I can do for them.

God never hands us a task that cannot be handled. We must simply remember that this task can ONLY be handled when I say "God, I can't do this alone". God does not expect me to walk this path alone. He has provided friends and a support system to take care of me while I take care of my parents. My family, my friends and best of all, God is here.

It is in that time that He carries me. There are only one set of footsteps in my sand right now, and those are the footsteps of God carrying me, and carrying my parents. I am not alone. I know this. And I thank God for that!

(c)copryight 2010 danni andrew