Good Listeners!!!

I've always prided myself on being a good listener. And, I think it is a good thing to be a good listener. I've always heard it said that you have a hard time learning if you are not listening! And, learning is a good thing! Now I don't want to sound like I am complaining because I'm really not. I think I can count allot of friends as mine. Both ways. They are my friends and I am there's. But, I was driving home tonight after dropping off my son. Mind you, I am never in a good mood when I have to take my son back to his father. But, here I am driving home after taking him back to his father and I just found myself being really bummed out. Border line on being depressed. All I wanted was to pick up the phone and call someone who I could talk to. But, I couldn't think of anyone.

It isn't often that I get to that point. After all I have this really great therapist and if I need to talk I can call her. But, I don't call her at 6:15 on a sunday evening. She is not in her office. I came home, fixed myself something to eat and turned on food network. Nothing like food to make you feel better right? Well, it's not that bad I made a waffle and I watched a food challenge. It wasn't like I was pigging out on brownies or something. I don't do that, I rarely like to eat brownies.

But, my whole point here is that I needed someone to talk to and I couldn't think of anyone. It's not that someone wasn't out there it's just that at the time I couldn't think of anyone. So, I came home and dealt with it myself!! That is probably the better way to handle things anyway. I am sure most people would probably not listen to a depressed, hungry person complain in their ear. Not even for half an hour! I am better now and I think I am going to go work on that book for awhile. That is probably a better way to handle things too. You know one more thing! I can bet that I could have called any one of several of my friends and they would have taken the time to listen. I know they would have! Have a great one.

Danni

and baby makes two...

I'm grandkid sitting tonight. My granddaughter lives and goes to school in the same town/school district that I live in. She gets off the bus literally on my door step. She has been in my house for years, since she was about seven months old. She knows the routine in my house and where everthing is. She knows that I keep popsicles in the freezer. All she has to do is ask for one and she can go get it herself. The only thing is she forgets to wipe the scissors off and they get sticky and I have to wash them.

That is what being at home is all about. It's about being comfortable in your space, knowing where things are and knowing what the rules are. She has been a big help to me since I got sick. She is only six years old, but she is smart. She'll tell me, "go ahead and take a nap Memaw". So I will lay down on the couch and watch tv with her. I might fall asleep for awhile and I might not. I know her programs, the ones she likes to watch. When any of the grandkids are here they get to watch whatever they want on tv and I usually watch it with them. I like their shows. It's important to know what the kids are watching on tv and know that its not something crazy.

It is sad that I have a hard time with the smaller grandkids. It will get better as time goes by and I should be able to have them here at the house more. I hate it that I have health problems. I wish I could be normal like the other my siblings. Well, I can't claim they are all normal LOL, but you know what I mean! I am starting to feel better and the baby is getting older. My stamina is getting stronger every day. Just ask my physical therapist. He agrees! I don't think I'll ever be able to live life like many people I know and like my brother and sister. Working an eight hour day just isn't in the cards for me. I have to work in 3-4 hours at a time. Then I have to rest. I don't know why I am like that, but I am. I think it is a combination of the Bipolar Disorder, the trigeminal neuralgia and a few ofther small problems that I have. I was always the sickly kid growing up!

I hate talking about then, I just want to feel better. Today I am tired and my hands are shocking and have a tremor to them. But, I am going to try to write for awhile anyway. That's what you have to do when life gets rough, you just keep pushing at it. Sooner or later you will get where you are going. And remember this! SMILE!

Danni

What a crazy weekend it has been. I have not gotten much done as there have been so many family activities going on. But, last night I am proud to say that I finally got my book started. My intention is to spend some time every night working on it. I have asked some friends for feedback, which they have so kindly agreed. What is the book about you say? Well, some people think my life is a little bit interesting. I think those people need a life too! Probably its just because I have lived through Bipolar Disorder and come out doing much better on the other side. Then of course there is Trigeminal Neuralgia, and a couple other nasty illness's that I don't want to mention here. Why do I have to have all the fun? It could be that God has blessed me with the gift of gab and the ability to type 70 words a minute. And it could be that I really want to take all of that knowledge, put it on paper and share it with the world. I know what it is like to be scared and feel like you are all alone. I want others to know that they are not alone, they don't have to be alone.

Writing this book brings back so many memories. Things that I had not thought about in a very long time. I was thinking about when I went to treatment. My kids were really small and I had no idea how I was going to get through it, but we did. I had so much anger and I had no idea that I did. I internalize anger and I think that is why I got so sick last fall is because I internalize my anger to the point that it comes out somewhere else. I have a friend that frequently spouts anger off and everybody knows he's angry! But, I don't think it's any better for him than for me. I think he is still so angry at his ex that he takes it out on whoever is handy. But, what do I know about it!

Ahh yes, about the book. This is going to be a good thing. I'm not going to be able to write this one in four days like I did the last one. No, this one is going to be done right and I am going to find a real publisher, with a real Literary Agent. This is what MY dreams are made of! If I slack off on writing it, you have my persmission to ask me why! Danni

I care!

So what happens when someone you care about gets into trouble? What do you do when all you can do is stand back and hurt for them. It's like trying to hold onto sand with water pouring through it! Your heart aches, you cry a little bit, no, you cry allot! I know what its like, I've been there. I've made some of those mistakes to!

You can't stop it. All you can do is stand back, watch, and be there if just maybe you can help a little bit. It's ok to hurt. It's ok to be angry, even if you are not even sure who to be angry at!!!

I don't know what to do. I do know that I missed a phone call! I was sleeping and never heard it. I want to stop it, to take it all back! But, I can't. God help me to know what to do and when to do it! God help me to love no matter what! God help me! And God help them!

Danni

So what is really wrong!!

Well, thankfully there is nothing physically wrong with me. The doctor called and there are no spots or lesions on my bones. THANK GOD! So, where do I go from here? I've read stories of people who were in walkers or on a cane and they had let their bodies go and let stress get the better of them. I think I am there. I have a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder and a disagnosis of Trigeminal Neuralgia too. I am on about ten different medications! And, I have balance problemes, I'm tired all the time and I am stressed out. Not to mention a couple of health problems that I don't want to even talk about here!

So, what do I do? I think physical therapy is going to be the best thing for me. I was going to train to walk a 5k once. Then things went to hell and I didn't do it. I think that when I quit walking two miles a day is when I slowly started coming apart. Here I am being tested for MS. So far they have not found lesions that are related to MS, only symptoms that could be related to MS. I don't want MS! I don't want to be sick, I am sick and tired of being sick!

So what do I do now? The doctors don't find telltale signs of MS, that is an awesome thing! They also did not find any signs of dark spots or any lesions on my bones either. I am so glad to hear that! I don't want MS and I don't want bone cancer either! So, what is wrong with me? Am I faking it? No, the symptoms are very real. The problems are very real! So, what do I do about it? I think that forcing myself to get up and exercise again and WALK again! I think that I can get my blood pressure down again, maybe I can get off the blood pressure meds! Maybe if I can do that I can get off the heart medication! Then if I can get off of some of those meds just by getting some good exercise then my stress level will also come down?

So, what about my voice? What about Bipolar Disorder? What about my balance? Speach therapy can do me allot of good. I don't know what the diagnosis is on my voice, we will get to that. I will never go off of the bipolar medication I am not going to try. That is not the problem. And, my physical therapist is going to be my best friend for awhile! This is the only way I am going to get my life back.

My writing is also going to be my savior. On top of all of that! God is awesome and I know that He is REALLY my only savior! It's time to get up, get some exercise, focus on my health and WRITE! Danni

rose colored glasses

So you think you know how things are? Then one day a conversation just puts you over the edge!! You learn that he has no respect for you or your opinions. You thought he did, after all he calls you all the time right? But, then, well maybe! I'm afraid to say it! I think I've been used!

My work is very important to me. I've let it go for a long time and its time that stopped! It's so much a part of me. I tried to walk away but I can't.

I was with this man for almost nine years. We were never serious, but when you spend that much time with someone, well you begin to get attached, even though you were not supposed to! I thought that he supported what I do. So what is it really that I do. I write, and I post what I write on the internet. Through blogs and my website.

I should have seen it coming. I think in the back of my head I did see it coming. But, I didn't want to. I just rebuilt my website, so I asked him if he had looked at my website and he said no. I asked him why. He said that it appeared that I was trying to take the place of the doctors. No, that's not true, that is way far from true. I share my experience, strength and hope with others like me who are trying to learn a better way with this illness. It is called self help.

OK, now what is the positive thing here. What have I learned? I learned the truth and I won't be hanging out with this guy anymore and I learned it before I turned 45!! Now, thats important and positive right! Hey, it's nine months before I turn 45 so I learned it while I still had allot of 44 left in me!!! Men are jerks! Well, not all of them. Just the ones that are jerks! Don't throw things at me! Have a great life. Danni

What do you do????

So, what do you do when the doctor calls you and says. "You need to have this test done, the hospital wanted to wait until the 22nd, but I convinced them that it needed to be done right away!" It kind of freaked me out! Instead of the 22nd, I did a bone scan at 11:00 am this morning.

So what are they looking for? He told me that I have osteoporosis. OK, I told him, "doc, I'm only 44 years old, that can't be!" But, when you take the kinds of medications that I take, I guess that things can happen. So, they did this test. The doctor also had told me that he had found a couple of dark spots on/in my bones. Oh great, what does that mean. It means that they suspect something and they are going looking for it. It means they pulled out the big guns! So, I went home and googled it. What else do you do these days? You don't ask questions anymore, you type your question in to google, and wahlah! You get an answer. I don't like the answer.

Of course I won't know until the doc looks things over and calls me. I won't even try to speculate, even though I have my suspicions why they did this expensive test. When I googled "dark spots bone xrays"! It came up with one basic reason for dark spots and the same reason for doing a bone xray. That reason is cancer of or in the bone. I think I am praying for Multiple sclerosis right now. I might prefer that diagnosis.

I don't know what to think and I don't know what to say. I am 44 years old. I have small grandchildren and a child who just entered high school. I have a family!!! I am not ready for this!

Did I ever tell you about my Mom? She got pancreatic cancer when she was about 62. She had two surgeries, stayed in the hospital over 45 days and nearly died several times. I am so thankful every day that she made it. Of course none of us lives on this planet forever. But, somehow cancer at 44 just goes against my grain. Hey, cancer at any age goes against me! I had about resigned myself to this being multiple sclerosis. But the tiredness, no energy, etc. etc. could be attributed to why they did this bone scan this afternoon.

God is bigger, and he will never let me down. I keep telling myself this is part of my imagination and soon I will wake up and it will be over, and I will be fine. That I will be able to walk that 5k that I wanted to do. God help me! And I know that he will. It is just one of those things that need to be cried over. Even the suggestion of it. So cry with me. It looks like I need to get my power of attorney and will done, and I also need to write that book!! Thanks for reading! D

children and haircuts and my paintings

My daughter is here tonight. We talked until nearly 2:00 am. It was really good to have her here. I chuckled at the baby. He is surely a Mama's boy. He likes me fine, but he is not around me very much. Since I have been sick, I have spent allot of time here by myself. It's just nice to have them here.

Let's see, do I have any words of wisdom? I cut my hair off, I mean "I" cut it off, I didn't go to the salon to get it cut off, I did it myself. I took the scissors and started cutting. Probably 2-3 inches off at a time. Why did I do this you ask?? Well, my hair is hard to take care of when it is longer. If I am on the couch because I don't feel good, my hair gets all balled up in the back from laying on the pillow. It doesn't look too bad now though, since it is curly you can't tell I did it myself.

I don't think I have any words of wisdom tonight. I am tired. I have been pretty busy the last couple of days and I am really tired. Take care and goodnight. And yes, I painted the picture, in another lifetime long before I got sick. I miss that life. Sometimes I wonder, "why did this have to happen to me"? I want to wake up in the morning and not hurt, and be able to talk right!! And not stumble! That would be a good day! I'm sorry to be a downer, but that has kind of been the mood for today. OK, I'd better quit or I'm going to start crying. I do that allot lately. I didn't cry once for years, now I cry all the time. I heard it said once, "What doesn't destroy me makes me stronger" Friedrich Nietzsche

Danni

The Wall!

You know what its like to hit the wall. Where you reach a point that you really can't take anymore and even banging your head against the wall requires too much effort! That was today!

The morning wasn't too bad, but then I looked at my appointment schedule for therapy and realized that I was supposed to be at an appointment today at 2:00 pm. I looked at the clock! It was 2:01! So, I called therapy and told them what had happened and they said ok, but you have a physical therapy appointment at 3:30 can you make that. I said sure! So I hurried around, got dressed, gathered up the kids and called my Mom because its not a good idea to leave a six year old and a 14 year old together in a waiting room. Especially when they bicker.

Mom agreed to keep the kids at her house while I went to the appointment and out the door we went. Partway across the top of Crouch Mesa I heard the tell tail thump thump thump. The tire was flat. I pulled off the road and my son and I started getting the tire out of the trunk. Mind you I have a bunch of junk in my car and I had to get it out first! My son started pumping up the jack and I called my Mom, and the therapist. I finished on the phone and stood on the side of the highway trying to make sure these idiots didn't hit my son. I should make a call to Dawn Truckings water hawlers department, but I won't.

My son finished the tire and I called my Mom to see where she was and we made a plan to meet at the gas station. I called therapy and I basically had five minutes to make a twelve minute drive and it just wasn't going to work and I had to cancel that appointment too. By then I really needed to see my therapists smiling face. He helps me get in a good mood.

I checked with my daughter to see what time she got off. I was going to go and get another tire but realized that if my son was going to get anything to eat before I gave him back to his Father, we had better go now. We got to the restaurant and ordered. They brought us our drinks and my granddaughter promptly spilled hers on me. Long story short we got our food and ate dinner on time. When I got the check I realized that it was much more than I had anticipated. I had ordered a trio appetizer and she had brought me regular sizes, one of each. She had missed it in the translation somewhere. I have such a hard time talking!

This illness that they are still trying to diagnose has messed up my mouth and it is very hard for me to talk. I talk like I have cotton balls around my tongue. Instead of reading it back to me she was in a hurry and didn't! She went and got the manager because she couldn't get what I was saying. Or trying to say. My speach is not that bad that I can't be understood. I can. It is just hard, you have to work at it, and so do I. The manager and I figured things out and she adjusted my ticket to reflect what I had originally ordered.

By that time I was in tears. I haven't cried in ten years probably except when my friend Mark and my Dad died! I just don't cry. But, I have cried more in the last month to make up. It is heart wrenching to me to be in this position. To struggle to speak and to worry about falling all the time, my eyes, it's all such a struggle that I'm having a hard time of it. The fear of ending up like my step dad in a nursing home and no one comes to see me. The positive of all this is that we didn't get hit while out on that highway changing a time. I thank God for that! I am sure that someday I will understand this better, but right now I don't I'm upset, I'm angry and I really, really scared.

Danni

Happy New Year!!

I watched the ball drop on tv last night. I thought to myself that is crazy to get out in the middle of that many people!!! Sorry, I don't do crowds very well. Although, if I got the chance to go to an NFL football game I would go. I would probably go no matter who was playing. Even if it wasn't the Raiders, maybe the Giants, Colts, Broncos, Chargers or even Dallas. I kind of like Tony Romo!

It is true that I am a homebody. I can't help it. I always have been, since I was much younger. I just don't like getting out in the middle of a bunch of people. That is my personality coming out I guess. I happen to like ALLOT of people so it is nothing against the human race. And, that is not wrong. There are thousands of people out there that thrive on the excitement. I think my daughter is one of them. She works allot and has a hard time staying home allot. My niece gets depressed if she stays at home allot. Just different kinds of people.

I used to write deovtionals, and I could really make a devotional out of this one. I could make this great point and add a really relevant scripture to it and wow, there you go! A nice little devotional. That is how I like to write, blunt and to the point. That is who I am! And what is wrong with that you say? Oh, Nothing!

I have been stuck at home for several weeks now. Since I got sick there is not much that I can do, nor much that I want to do! But, stay home. And here in a couple of weeks I get to pack this house up and move down the parking lot a ways, to a ground floor apartment where I won't be falling off the stairs anymore. Scarey!

No, change is good. Pushing your limists a bit once in awhile is good too. That is why I push myself to go places I'd rather not and rub elbows with people I don't know. I believe that you stretch yourself as a person when you push your comfort zones a bit and do what it is that you don't really like to do. So, I didn't go anywhere for New Years eve. I stayed here and watched the ball drop, just my son and I sipping carbonated juice! No wine, no champagne, nothing. After all, my son IS 14 and it won't be much longer that he will be happy staying home with MOM!

Danni

Let the games begin

Well, the pain is beginning to come back again. I have not been able to take the tegretol as much because I have had appointments. But, I take it at night before I go to bed and it makes me really sleepy, dopey, goofy and well where's doc! I was hoping that the pain would begin to subside, but I guess not! I am disgusted.

I went into this website. It is called www.livingwithtn.org they came to my blog here and wrote to me and suggested that I look into it, so I did. I think it will be a good thing for me.

I am really out of it tonight. It is nearly 2:30 am, and that doesn't bother me too much really, but I have kind of a writers block. All I really want to do is scream and throw things. Now that would be childish wouldn't it. But, I sure would feel better!! I went to therapy in 1991. We had a wiffle bat and a duffle bag filled with something, who knows what. But, it was the greatest thing for taking out your aggression. Getting it out of your system. Gee, I wish I had one. But, it probably wouldn't be a good idea. My son would called the men in the little white coats and that wouldn't be good.

I think I will just sign off and go to bed. I need some sleep I think. I didn't get much last night on top of things. Take care, whoever you are out there in that wonderful void! Happy New Year.

Danni