And the doctor said.......

Tomorrow I go to the physical therapist. I have to be there at 9:00 am and I am not good at mornings at all. It is nothin' for me to sleep until noon. I just can't help it. It is very hard for me to get to sleep before 2:00 am. Physical therapy kind of freaks me out. It's making this thing just a little bit more real. And allot more freaky!

I guess you could say that I am almost to panick mode. I know this man who has multiple sclerosis. He can't move, he can't speak, and he just lays there. Not being able to move or communicate is like being stuck in a very tight tunnel!! And, I am clastrophobic! I keep praying that I will wake up from this nightmare. But, every morning when I wake up it is still here and I still am having a very hard time talking! It's been said that I was pretending to be sick so I could get out of responsibilities! Oh man, if that was true, then I could make it STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like I am being cheated out of my life. There are so many things I want to do and this death grip is closing tighter and tighter! It feels like it is getting harder and harder to breath.

When I write, no matter how bad it is getting. I try to find something positive, because if I don't, I will get bogged down in the negative so bad that it really will get me. So, what is positive about potentially having an illness that will eventually put me in a nursing home. People don't call and check on me now, what makes me think they will if I go to a nursing home! I can be honest here, because I really don't think anyone reads it. So, how much time do I have left? This has come on pretty quickly. I never saw this coming! I probably have at least ten to 20 years before I can no longer function. With physical and occupational therapy maybe more. I intend to fight. There is no way I am going to sit down and just take it. I have a few books to write! I had intended on public speaking but I am not sure now. I have such a communication problem. I want to at least KNOW my grandchildren!

It's gonna be ok. I know this. God has never left me yet, and he won't leave me now. All things work together for good for those who are called according to his purpose. And, I believe that I am called. I just had no idea how much! I had no idea that I would cross the bed of coals, the bed of nails, raging rapids, and swing through the forest. Oh God help me now!

Danni