Losing a diamond

Have you ever lost something that was important to you? Something that was so important that you didn't think you could live without it? YET, you didn't even know it was that important! Because you never thought about it. You took it SO for granted that it never occured to you that you might lose it. Like maybe your voice? I'm not talking about getting a cold or laryngitis and losing your voice. Knowing that in a few days you will get it back. No, I'm talking about losing your voice for good.

I have lost my voice. Yes, I can still talk but what I say does not make sense to most people. Sound is coming out, but everyone is saying "huh" allot! Like I have said before, I have Trigeminal Neuralgia. There is another illness that many people with Trigeminal Neuralgia also have and that is Multiple Sclerosis. I have never seen losing my voice as a possibility with Trigeminal Neuralgia. But, it comes up on the list for problems with Multiple Sclerosis. I have many symptoms that do not come up on the TN list, but they come up on the MS list. Go figure!

AND, I have lost my voice to the point that it is hard to communicate. I talk just as much or more than I did before, quite possibly because I am afraid that if I don't say what I have to say I may wake up and my voice is totally gone and I won't be able to communicate. No one has a treatment for this kind of ailment. I woke up one morning and I was having a little bit of trouble talking. Within a few days my voice as I knew it was gone!

My life as I knew it is gone. Bipolar Disorder was a walk in the park compared to this mess. You can always say that there is always someone worse off than you are. You should count your blessings. That someone is my step dad. I call him Papa. He has Multiple Sclerosis and has had for nearly thirty years. I went to see him today and I could hardly make him understand what I was trying to say to him.

Maybe they have caught it early enough that they can treat me. Maybe they have caught this early enough that I can learn to grieve before I lose my voice. Maybe I can learn to live with these terrible illness's and it will be ok. It's got to be ok. God has his hand on me. I know that. He gave me a ministry eight years ago. Maybe, just maybe since I can't be out running the countryside, maybe I can get on this computer and get the writing done that I need to do. Maybe I will learn to cry.

Danni